My focus has been chosen.
I will be doing the worship focus. While singing and music are a part of worship, this will focus more on what the heart of worship truly is.
The countdown until my DTS orientation day is now 30 days. Wow.
I feel like I'm about to start an adventure where I don't know anything. Yet, maybe that is a good thing.
I think my lack of confidence and places where I know I am weak, will be where I can see God working in me.
God has given me peace that this focus, Worship, is what I need to do. I need to learn how to worship, and what worship truly is. I think sometimes I get caught up in going through the motions of worship... I don't want to go through the motions of worship anymore, and have been praying that God would help me with this. Maybe, this is why my original focus got cancelled. God is good. All the time.
I can do this, through Him.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Monday, August 17, 2015
Unexpected changes
Most of you are unaware of what happened last week, so I feel like I should share it just so people can be praying...
Thursday of last week, I found out that my DTS focus was cancelled. I had chosen Justice and Mercy for my focus, because it worked with kids. When I found out that it was cancelled, I immediately felt very disappointed and confused, and even a bit angry.
How could God bring me this far to have it get cancelled?
I had two options. I could quit or I could still do a DTS but with a different focus. My first thought was, "I am going to quit. It's obvious that I made the wrong decision by having it get cancelled." However, I began to pray about it. I wanted to still do a DTS, but if now wasn't the right time I prayed that God would help me be okay with that. But, I also prayed that if it was the right time, that he would give me a peace about it and reveal to me a new focus. \
After praying, I felt strongly that I was still supposed to do this. God brought my attention to YWAM Minneapolis through the Justice and Mercy Focus, but he wants to push me further than that. Victoria, the girl I was supposed to be doing the Justice and Mercy focus with, pointed out that she felt like we had both picked it because out of all of focuses it appealed to us. It would push us, but at the same time it would be safe. We both agreed that God wants more from us right now.
I have three focuses I can still chose from: Dance, Outdoor Adventure, and Worship. I completely eliminated Dance right off, because I just don't dance... So, I'm choosing between Outdoor Adventure and Worship.
Honestly, I'm not sure which one yet. I feel like God could just be giving me a choice where either one would be okay... Both focuses will make me very uncomfortable, but in a good way. They will push me. A LOT. I am just asking for prayer as I chose what focus I will do. I am still leaving in September to do this DTS, because God has told me that NOW is the right time.
One of my favorite songs, Oceans, has been kicking my butt since Thursday. It got to the point a couple days ago where I shut off the radio when it came on (which was pointless since a friend requested to turn it back on...) Every time I hear that song, God says, "You prayed for this, remember?"
Thursday of last week, I found out that my DTS focus was cancelled. I had chosen Justice and Mercy for my focus, because it worked with kids. When I found out that it was cancelled, I immediately felt very disappointed and confused, and even a bit angry.
How could God bring me this far to have it get cancelled?
I had two options. I could quit or I could still do a DTS but with a different focus. My first thought was, "I am going to quit. It's obvious that I made the wrong decision by having it get cancelled." However, I began to pray about it. I wanted to still do a DTS, but if now wasn't the right time I prayed that God would help me be okay with that. But, I also prayed that if it was the right time, that he would give me a peace about it and reveal to me a new focus. \
After praying, I felt strongly that I was still supposed to do this. God brought my attention to YWAM Minneapolis through the Justice and Mercy Focus, but he wants to push me further than that. Victoria, the girl I was supposed to be doing the Justice and Mercy focus with, pointed out that she felt like we had both picked it because out of all of focuses it appealed to us. It would push us, but at the same time it would be safe. We both agreed that God wants more from us right now.
I have three focuses I can still chose from: Dance, Outdoor Adventure, and Worship. I completely eliminated Dance right off, because I just don't dance... So, I'm choosing between Outdoor Adventure and Worship.
Honestly, I'm not sure which one yet. I feel like God could just be giving me a choice where either one would be okay... Both focuses will make me very uncomfortable, but in a good way. They will push me. A LOT. I am just asking for prayer as I chose what focus I will do. I am still leaving in September to do this DTS, because God has told me that NOW is the right time.
One of my favorite songs, Oceans, has been kicking my butt since Thursday. It got to the point a couple days ago where I shut off the radio when it came on (which was pointless since a friend requested to turn it back on...) Every time I hear that song, God says, "You prayed for this, remember?"
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me....
I did pray that song as my prayer for over a year now. And I am continuing to pray it. I want God to stretch me and push me to where I am at a place where I can only rely on Him. He is.
Anyways, thank you for your thoughts and prayers as I continue this journey. I will chose a focus (hopefully this week). God is amazing, and I am truly excited to see what he will do in me and through me on this DTS. Love you all.
Monday, July 27, 2015
God is supplying
In the past three weeks, God has blown me away with how much he is providing. Everything fairly expensive that I thought I would need to buy for this DTS, is already being provided by other people.
Yesterday, I had my first fundraiser for this DTS. It was a bake sale. The weeks prior to this happening, I had told people about it and asked for donations of baked goods. I only heard from a few people. I was kinda freaking out about it, because yesterday, in my mind was a horrible day to do a fundraiser of any kind.
Green Country fair was just ending, so there were a lot of people who were having to be there. Meanwhile, Rock County fair week was just a couple days shy of beginning and there were people involved in that as well. This entire weekend I kept thinking how I just picked the wrong date for this. However, God kept challenging me by saying, "Don't you trust me? I called you to do this, and I will supply."
He did.
I got to church on Sunday morning and there were baked donations all over the counter as well as some baked things that kept coming in. I was only expecting maybe $200 off of this bake sale, but instead I made almost $600.
God will supply.
I currently have about $3200 for this DTS out of $5300... I have no doubt that God will provide the funds one way or another. He has shown me these past couple weeks that it will be okay.
In other news, the day is getting closer when I will leave. Counting down the days. We're down to 55 days until orientation! I'm excited, nervous, and sad all at the same time... It's going to be hard to leave, but I'm excited to see what God is going to do with me in this.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
A lesson at Freedomfest
Yesterday, I went to an event called Freedomfest with my youth group. There were rides and concerts. Jamie Grace, Citizen Way, and Group 1 Crew were all performing. The rides were free, as well as the concert... Anyways, while I went there to have a good time, I learned a lesson on the way.
For some reason, I am a sucker for peer pressure (Maybe because I'm a people pleaser.......).
I went last year and swore to myself that I would not go onto the same ride that I was pulled onto last year thanks to my youth pastor. Well, guess what... I got into line to do this crazy ride again.
It was the kind of ride where if something were to go wrong, things could go bad. I guess every fair ride has that risk, but to me, this one just freaked me out more than anything. It went completely upside about halfway through. That is the part I seriously hate (that, and the agony of waiting for that part to happen...) Prior to taking the last few steps onto the ride, I looked longingly back at the gate. By the time I was seriously wanting off of that ride, I was shut in, buckled down, and there was nothing I could do to get out. This. Was. It. I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do about it now.
Then it started.
The adrenaline I began to get was amazing, but I'm not sure it was good. I was so freaked out, started telling my youth pastor that I wanted off (maybe I screamed it...), and then just accepted the fact that I would probably die if this ride malfunctioned. I don't think I ever screamed while I was on the ride, but I know I was asking myself a ton of questions.. Like, "Why am I even doing this?!"or "Can I please get off now?" or... "Is this done yet??!"
I was so tense. The ride probably only lasted about a minute, but seriously, it was probably the LONGEST minute of my life. As soon as I realized that the ride was slowing down, I just wanted out. I didn't care that it wasn't completely done, I WANTED OUT. The only thing holding me back from getting out was the safety restraint... As soon as it opened, I was out.
I stepped out of it, and thought to myself, "Wow. I'm glad that is over." and, "I regret not taking that chance to slip outside the line before the ride."
About ten minutes later, after my heart stopped racing and I realized I was fine.... a sense of realization hit. I had conquered this particular fear. I didn't get out of line (Lord knows I wanted to at the time...) and I did it... Yes, by the time I wanted to seriously get off, there was no possibly way I could.... But I had done it.
When a middle schooler heard me say I had wanted off once I was already on the ride itself, she said, "Well you did it, and it's better than regretting not doing it." Wow. Wise words. What is worse? Regret or Conquer?
My life theory lately seems to be, if I don't want to do it, don't think I can do it, have a deep irrational fear about doing it, if it is too far outside my cozy little comfort zone.... I should probably do it and more than likely will do it.
So maybe, I was pushed into doing it. Maybe I thought a million times that I wanted to back out of the line and wimp out. Maybe I was really serious about it too, and maybe by the time I was going to back down, I was already too far in it to quit. But maybe, I enjoyed it. Not because it was fun, but because I realized that I was conquering this. I was conquering this fear, this voice in my head saying, "You can't do it..." That's probably why I did it. I was conquering.
I realize now (over 12 hours later...) that I would have regretted not doing it. Not doing it would have meant that I would not have conquered that fear. I would have regretted it, and that is even more nerve-wracking than doing it.
Sometimes life is about pushing when you feel like giving up. It's doing something hard that you know you'll regret later if you don't do it. Then, when it's over it's realizing that you did it! You realize that you conquered it and now you can keep going. Maybe it's not a fair ride... Maybe it's just life. Maybe it's going on a mission trip that you feel you just can't do because of all the unknowns... Maybe it's just calling that one friend to reconcile with them... Or maybe, it's just simply starting a conversation.
Whatever it might be for you, I just want to encourage you to try it. Don't let your fear of what MIGHT happen determine what you do. Don't. Just try it. Go on that mission trip, God will supply what you need. Call that friend. Or start that conversation. Whatever it may be, just conquer it. If you feel like God wants you to do something, do it. I promise you, you won't regret it.
But, you know what you will regret? The chances you didn't take....
For some reason, I am a sucker for peer pressure (Maybe because I'm a people pleaser.......).
I went last year and swore to myself that I would not go onto the same ride that I was pulled onto last year thanks to my youth pastor. Well, guess what... I got into line to do this crazy ride again.
It was the kind of ride where if something were to go wrong, things could go bad. I guess every fair ride has that risk, but to me, this one just freaked me out more than anything. It went completely upside about halfway through. That is the part I seriously hate (that, and the agony of waiting for that part to happen...) Prior to taking the last few steps onto the ride, I looked longingly back at the gate. By the time I was seriously wanting off of that ride, I was shut in, buckled down, and there was nothing I could do to get out. This. Was. It. I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do about it now.
Then it started.
The adrenaline I began to get was amazing, but I'm not sure it was good. I was so freaked out, started telling my youth pastor that I wanted off (maybe I screamed it...), and then just accepted the fact that I would probably die if this ride malfunctioned. I don't think I ever screamed while I was on the ride, but I know I was asking myself a ton of questions.. Like, "Why am I even doing this?!"or "Can I please get off now?" or... "Is this done yet??!"
I was so tense. The ride probably only lasted about a minute, but seriously, it was probably the LONGEST minute of my life. As soon as I realized that the ride was slowing down, I just wanted out. I didn't care that it wasn't completely done, I WANTED OUT. The only thing holding me back from getting out was the safety restraint... As soon as it opened, I was out.
I stepped out of it, and thought to myself, "Wow. I'm glad that is over." and, "I regret not taking that chance to slip outside the line before the ride."
About ten minutes later, after my heart stopped racing and I realized I was fine.... a sense of realization hit. I had conquered this particular fear. I didn't get out of line (Lord knows I wanted to at the time...) and I did it... Yes, by the time I wanted to seriously get off, there was no possibly way I could.... But I had done it.
When a middle schooler heard me say I had wanted off once I was already on the ride itself, she said, "Well you did it, and it's better than regretting not doing it." Wow. Wise words. What is worse? Regret or Conquer?
My life theory lately seems to be, if I don't want to do it, don't think I can do it, have a deep irrational fear about doing it, if it is too far outside my cozy little comfort zone.... I should probably do it and more than likely will do it.
So maybe, I was pushed into doing it. Maybe I thought a million times that I wanted to back out of the line and wimp out. Maybe I was really serious about it too, and maybe by the time I was going to back down, I was already too far in it to quit. But maybe, I enjoyed it. Not because it was fun, but because I realized that I was conquering this. I was conquering this fear, this voice in my head saying, "You can't do it..." That's probably why I did it. I was conquering.
I realize now (over 12 hours later...) that I would have regretted not doing it. Not doing it would have meant that I would not have conquered that fear. I would have regretted it, and that is even more nerve-wracking than doing it.
Sometimes life is about pushing when you feel like giving up. It's doing something hard that you know you'll regret later if you don't do it. Then, when it's over it's realizing that you did it! You realize that you conquered it and now you can keep going. Maybe it's not a fair ride... Maybe it's just life. Maybe it's going on a mission trip that you feel you just can't do because of all the unknowns... Maybe it's just calling that one friend to reconcile with them... Or maybe, it's just simply starting a conversation.
Whatever it might be for you, I just want to encourage you to try it. Don't let your fear of what MIGHT happen determine what you do. Don't. Just try it. Go on that mission trip, God will supply what you need. Call that friend. Or start that conversation. Whatever it may be, just conquer it. If you feel like God wants you to do something, do it. I promise you, you won't regret it.
But, you know what you will regret? The chances you didn't take....
Friday, June 26, 2015
The past week
This week has been crazy and reality has been hitting me that I really truly am leaving for this DTS in less than 3 months. Like, seriously. The DTS starts in 87 days, but I will be leaving in 85 days.
I've kinda been a little bit of trainwreck lately. The thought of ME leaving home and leaving everything and everyone I love, just seems so incredibly painful. I've watched other graduates leave home, and now it's my turn.
While a lot of other graduates have a good idea of what they want to do with their life, I am sitting here and thinking, "Well... I wish I knew."
I am the kind of person who likes a solid plan. Well, guess what.... I don't have one for life right now. I think God must be laughing at me half the time because I try to mentally come up with a life plan, but then just give up because I realize at this point, I really don't have any idea.
Whenever I do come up with a plan, it NEVER goes the way I expect it to.
The pastor at my church one morning said, "I like to have all my little ducklings all in a row, organized and tidy... But God usually comes along and let's them swim wherever they want..."
Maybe I'm paraphrasing a bit, but the point is still there. Whenever I think I have my life organized and I have a semi-solid idea of what I want to do, God comes along and changes all of that. Not because he just wants to have a good laugh while I try to control my ducks again, but because he loves me and doesn't want me burdened with something I don't need to be burdened with (i.e. a life plan.)
I have tried really hard to give up trying to control the events of my everyday life, and I'm also trying to just take everything day by day and live in the moment. However, like this week, that is not working. I can't help but think of things and people that I will miss when I leave... I'm just that way.
However, I do know that God wants me to do this. I have talked to a couple of the DTS staff, and the DTS director, and am confident that this is where I am supposed to go. It is. It's going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I know I will be pushed beyond my cozy comfort zone. For those of you who know me, know how difficult that will be for me. I like my comfort zone, and knowing what I CAN do and what I can't. Yet, God keeps calling me beyond that... Usually to things I just don't think I can do. Funny, right?! (Btw- it is only funny AFTER I do it.)
Anyways, that is a little bit of what has been going on this past week. This coming week life is going to get more crazy and beautiful due to the fact that my family is all coming home! All three of my older siblings, their husbands or wives, and their children! So, I'm not sure I will get more of a chance to blog until the end of July... I hope you all enjoy your summer!
I've kinda been a little bit of trainwreck lately. The thought of ME leaving home and leaving everything and everyone I love, just seems so incredibly painful. I've watched other graduates leave home, and now it's my turn.
While a lot of other graduates have a good idea of what they want to do with their life, I am sitting here and thinking, "Well... I wish I knew."
I am the kind of person who likes a solid plan. Well, guess what.... I don't have one for life right now. I think God must be laughing at me half the time because I try to mentally come up with a life plan, but then just give up because I realize at this point, I really don't have any idea.
Whenever I do come up with a plan, it NEVER goes the way I expect it to.
The pastor at my church one morning said, "I like to have all my little ducklings all in a row, organized and tidy... But God usually comes along and let's them swim wherever they want..."
Maybe I'm paraphrasing a bit, but the point is still there. Whenever I think I have my life organized and I have a semi-solid idea of what I want to do, God comes along and changes all of that. Not because he just wants to have a good laugh while I try to control my ducks again, but because he loves me and doesn't want me burdened with something I don't need to be burdened with (i.e. a life plan.)
I have tried really hard to give up trying to control the events of my everyday life, and I'm also trying to just take everything day by day and live in the moment. However, like this week, that is not working. I can't help but think of things and people that I will miss when I leave... I'm just that way.
However, I do know that God wants me to do this. I have talked to a couple of the DTS staff, and the DTS director, and am confident that this is where I am supposed to go. It is. It's going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I know I will be pushed beyond my cozy comfort zone. For those of you who know me, know how difficult that will be for me. I like my comfort zone, and knowing what I CAN do and what I can't. Yet, God keeps calling me beyond that... Usually to things I just don't think I can do. Funny, right?! (Btw- it is only funny AFTER I do it.)
Anyways, that is a little bit of what has been going on this past week. This coming week life is going to get more crazy and beautiful due to the fact that my family is all coming home! All three of my older siblings, their husbands or wives, and their children! So, I'm not sure I will get more of a chance to blog until the end of July... I hope you all enjoy your summer!
Friday, May 22, 2015
Uninspired
Typically, when I sit down to write a blog post, I have a good idea of what it's going to look like. By the time I actually sit down to write it, I have a mental chart in my head of what the title will be, what points will be made, and how to end it....
Not today.
However, I feel pressured to write something, because it has been almost 20 days since my last post. Lately though, I have just felt really uninspired to write anything. I probably have about a dozen blog posts that I haven't posted, because I've only written one to two sentences before giving up.
So, I find myself here. Writing... Or at least trying to write.
This week I have realized how fast time is flying. I used to come up with sarcastic comments in my head when an adult would say, "Aw, you're growing up so fast. Time flies." I hated that. To me, when I was younger, time was far from flying. I mean, seriously.
I'd get board playing with a toy and have to find a new thing to do. Even just picking out the perfect coloring page to color would take forever.... Nap time lasted forever and never seemed to end! I hated it when adults or teens would tell me "You'll be wanting naps when you're older." I mean, seriously..... In my head, no. I was never going to want naps once I was their age. Teens had the best life ever through the eyes of a 7 year old.
Yea, well, I have realized now and can fully agree with things that I was told as a child. For instance, "Time flies." or "You'll be wanting naps when you're older." What I wouldn't give for a good long nap now....
I wanted to grow up so fast and be done with school, but the seemingly endless days of school never seemed to end. I imagined myself as a senior in high school, and somehow.... I had come up with a very distorted vision of what being a teenager was like, as well as what being a senior in high school was like.
Here I am. Finishing my senior year of high school. Although it is far from what I envisioned it would be, and although it is far more complicated than I thought it would be, that's okay. Graduation is a beautiful time. It's a new chapter.
One of my favorite quotes describes high school well.
"It always seems impossible until it is done."
-Nelson Mandela.
Not today.
However, I feel pressured to write something, because it has been almost 20 days since my last post. Lately though, I have just felt really uninspired to write anything. I probably have about a dozen blog posts that I haven't posted, because I've only written one to two sentences before giving up.
So, I find myself here. Writing... Or at least trying to write.
This week I have realized how fast time is flying. I used to come up with sarcastic comments in my head when an adult would say, "Aw, you're growing up so fast. Time flies." I hated that. To me, when I was younger, time was far from flying. I mean, seriously.
I'd get board playing with a toy and have to find a new thing to do. Even just picking out the perfect coloring page to color would take forever.... Nap time lasted forever and never seemed to end! I hated it when adults or teens would tell me "You'll be wanting naps when you're older." I mean, seriously..... In my head, no. I was never going to want naps once I was their age. Teens had the best life ever through the eyes of a 7 year old.
Yea, well, I have realized now and can fully agree with things that I was told as a child. For instance, "Time flies." or "You'll be wanting naps when you're older." What I wouldn't give for a good long nap now....
I wanted to grow up so fast and be done with school, but the seemingly endless days of school never seemed to end. I imagined myself as a senior in high school, and somehow.... I had come up with a very distorted vision of what being a teenager was like, as well as what being a senior in high school was like.
Here I am. Finishing my senior year of high school. Although it is far from what I envisioned it would be, and although it is far more complicated than I thought it would be, that's okay. Graduation is a beautiful time. It's a new chapter.
One of my favorite quotes describes high school well.
"It always seems impossible until it is done."
-Nelson Mandela.
The is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven.
-Ecclesiastes 3:1
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
When you can't do anything
I wish I could do more for someone when they're in pain. God has been using various examples this week to show me, that sometimes you don't need to do anything accept be present and pray.
The example of this happened on Sunday afternoon. I was getting dinner ready. I had so much to do and was just trying to get it done. Suddenly by younger brother and sister ran into the house hysterical. Through the muffled sound of tears and gasps of breath, they had told us that a beloved kitten named Fiji was dead.
It was like a scene from a movie. The rain was pouring, children with crying, and were running through the yard down to the road. There we stopped. The crumpled body of Fiji lay still. Rain kept pouring. We stared at the little kitten wondering how this could happen.
We got back inside. I noticed that Danny had disappeared, and I knew that he was crying. Dinner was still on the stove and there was food in the oven. I was having a friend arrive in a few minutes... I couldn't help but go check on him. I wanted to know that he was okay.
I found him curled up on the couch, sobbing. In that moment I had to come face to face with the fact that nothing I could possibly do could help ease the pain of loosing the precious kitten. I couldn't do anything to help him. I couldn't take away the pain he was feeling. In that moment, I felt God just nudge to sit with him. Just simply sit.
I thought of all the things I had yet to do. I needed to continue making dinner. My friend would arrive anytime. As I was about to turn away, the story of Mary and Martha popped into my head.
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord don't you care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "You are worried about so many things, but few things are needed--or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
-Luke 10:38-42
I was Martha. I was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made, that I forgot about who I should have been serving.
I sat down next to my brother. He sat up and moved closer to me. I stroked his hair and rubbed his back. I didn't say anything. No words needed to be said. All he needed in those moments was to feel loved, and cared about. He was extremely sad about the loss of the kitten. I sat with him for about 15 minutes.
I got up and went back to the kitchen. I just felt assured that what I had just taken the time out to do had mattered more than anything else I could have done.
Sometimes, you have to sit down in order to stand.
Feeling completely helpless in any relationship is hard. I felt completely helpless with what happened on Sunday night. I couldn't do anything or say anything to take away the pain. It was a choice. I could have been upset that my preparations for dinner were being thrown the window, or I could just find the peace in knowing that I had done what truly matter for that time.
I chose to just find that peace in knowing that what I had done by just simply sitting, was what mattered. Sometimes you don't have to do anything except be present to a person and just be willing to comfort them without words.
The example of this happened on Sunday afternoon. I was getting dinner ready. I had so much to do and was just trying to get it done. Suddenly by younger brother and sister ran into the house hysterical. Through the muffled sound of tears and gasps of breath, they had told us that a beloved kitten named Fiji was dead.
It was like a scene from a movie. The rain was pouring, children with crying, and were running through the yard down to the road. There we stopped. The crumpled body of Fiji lay still. Rain kept pouring. We stared at the little kitten wondering how this could happen.
We got back inside. I noticed that Danny had disappeared, and I knew that he was crying. Dinner was still on the stove and there was food in the oven. I was having a friend arrive in a few minutes... I couldn't help but go check on him. I wanted to know that he was okay.
I found him curled up on the couch, sobbing. In that moment I had to come face to face with the fact that nothing I could possibly do could help ease the pain of loosing the precious kitten. I couldn't do anything to help him. I couldn't take away the pain he was feeling. In that moment, I felt God just nudge to sit with him. Just simply sit.
I thought of all the things I had yet to do. I needed to continue making dinner. My friend would arrive anytime. As I was about to turn away, the story of Mary and Martha popped into my head.
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord don't you care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "You are worried about so many things, but few things are needed--or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
-Luke 10:38-42
I was Martha. I was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made, that I forgot about who I should have been serving.
I sat down next to my brother. He sat up and moved closer to me. I stroked his hair and rubbed his back. I didn't say anything. No words needed to be said. All he needed in those moments was to feel loved, and cared about. He was extremely sad about the loss of the kitten. I sat with him for about 15 minutes.
I got up and went back to the kitchen. I just felt assured that what I had just taken the time out to do had mattered more than anything else I could have done.
Sometimes, you have to sit down in order to stand.
Feeling completely helpless in any relationship is hard. I felt completely helpless with what happened on Sunday night. I couldn't do anything or say anything to take away the pain. It was a choice. I could have been upset that my preparations for dinner were being thrown the window, or I could just find the peace in knowing that I had done what truly matter for that time.
I chose to just find that peace in knowing that what I had done by just simply sitting, was what mattered. Sometimes you don't have to do anything except be present to a person and just be willing to comfort them without words.
Friday, April 24, 2015
Trusting the pilot
Many things in life are a simple a choice, that we make difficult. I am a horrible decision maker. I make choice probably way more difficult that they should be. Yet, I can't help but overthink things. I just do it. It annoys me that I do it, but it's just how I process things.
I am trying to not overthink things that much because overthinking usually leads to thinking about the worst possible outcome of the decision. Then I worry, try to take control of my own life, and crash. I really don't think God wants me to overthink things, because that then leads to worrying about things, and trying to take control of my life... And, I've learned way too many times how that often turns out; with a crash landing. God just wants me to trust him.
God gave me this example a few weeks ago and it has reminded me a lot to just God, so I'm just going to share it. I don't know how to fly a plane. If I did fly a plane right now, guess what.... I'd probably crash it. Thank God I'm not a pilot... So, me trying to take control of my own life is like me trying to take over the position of the pilot in an airplane. I can't do it. I'd crash it. I do crash it. I am not a pilot (or a leader for that matter)...God asked me a few weeks ago, why I keep trying to take over his position as the pilot...
Um, ouch.
He then asked me if I would do that in an actual airplane. "Um, no..." He then continued to question me more and said, "When you're in an airplane, where are you?" I kinda started to overthink this question thinking, "well I could be in the bathroom, or walking down the aisle or jumping out....." and then stopped myself and said, " Usually sitting down in my seat and trusting the pilot to get me where I need to go safely."
"Trust me." God said, "I am your pilot, and I am perfect. If you can trust a mere man to get you where you need to be safely without failure, why can't you just let go of the wheel and trust me?" When God convicts you about something, it is pretty much going to be a "wow." moment. That's what I had.
Maybe that's a silly example, but it's the one that God gave me. I still try to take control of my life sometimes, but I crash it. Doesn't work. But, when I trust God with my life and don't try to take control, but rather try to enjoy the ride, things are beautiful.
If I hit some turbulence (or rough spots) in my life, I know who has control of it and I know that I can trust God, because he will never fail me. I just get to enjoy the ride. Even in the rough patches of life there is beauty to be found. God make beautiful things, even in the trials and in pain there is beauty... You just have to relax, trust the pilot, and enjoy the ride.
I am trying to not overthink things that much because overthinking usually leads to thinking about the worst possible outcome of the decision. Then I worry, try to take control of my own life, and crash. I really don't think God wants me to overthink things, because that then leads to worrying about things, and trying to take control of my life... And, I've learned way too many times how that often turns out; with a crash landing. God just wants me to trust him.
God gave me this example a few weeks ago and it has reminded me a lot to just God, so I'm just going to share it. I don't know how to fly a plane. If I did fly a plane right now, guess what.... I'd probably crash it. Thank God I'm not a pilot... So, me trying to take control of my own life is like me trying to take over the position of the pilot in an airplane. I can't do it. I'd crash it. I do crash it. I am not a pilot (or a leader for that matter)...God asked me a few weeks ago, why I keep trying to take over his position as the pilot...
Um, ouch.
He then asked me if I would do that in an actual airplane. "Um, no..." He then continued to question me more and said, "When you're in an airplane, where are you?" I kinda started to overthink this question thinking, "well I could be in the bathroom, or walking down the aisle or jumping out....." and then stopped myself and said, " Usually sitting down in my seat and trusting the pilot to get me where I need to go safely."
"Trust me." God said, "I am your pilot, and I am perfect. If you can trust a mere man to get you where you need to be safely without failure, why can't you just let go of the wheel and trust me?" When God convicts you about something, it is pretty much going to be a "wow." moment. That's what I had.
Maybe that's a silly example, but it's the one that God gave me. I still try to take control of my life sometimes, but I crash it. Doesn't work. But, when I trust God with my life and don't try to take control, but rather try to enjoy the ride, things are beautiful.
If I hit some turbulence (or rough spots) in my life, I know who has control of it and I know that I can trust God, because he will never fail me. I just get to enjoy the ride. Even in the rough patches of life there is beauty to be found. God make beautiful things, even in the trials and in pain there is beauty... You just have to relax, trust the pilot, and enjoy the ride.
Friday, March 27, 2015
"I can't do this...."
I can't do this.
I can't do that.
My life is filled with the two words "I can't....." fairly often. The fear of what might happen if I did something that I don't think I can do, holds me back. I say, "I can't."
The voice in my head that says "You're going to fail, so don't even try." I try not to believe it, yet sometimes the words I try not to say come out and I find myself saying those two simple words that I dread the most. "I can't."
I don't why the fear of not being able to do something well keeps holding me back from doing it at all. I don't know why I say the two words that I favor, yet hate... "I can't."
I find myself later doing the very things I said earlier that "I can't." to. I realize that very things I say "I can't" to are the very things I later do and am able to see God work through me in my weakness.
I can do everything through HIM who gives me strength.- Philippians 4:13
The Bible clearly says I can do everything through Christ, so why do I always say the words "I can't." Usually when I say those words, I'm usually trying to persuade myself that I can't do it, because it's scary... Or that I can't do it because it's awkward.... Or maybe it's because I'm trying to persuade myself that I just can't do it because it's not my thing.
Um yea.
For me, personally, the chances of me doing something that I say "I can't do" , are very high. Usually within seconds after I say it, I find myself doing it.
For instance- this blog. I said to myself, "I can't write it." Truth is, I can write it, I just was trying to come up with an excuse not to write it, but saying "I can't write it" about a blog post entitled "I can't do this...." just didn't seem like a good excuse. Needless to say, I am writing it.
Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Song and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. - Matthew 28:19-20
God promises that he will always be with us. ALWAYS. God is greater than the very deepest fears I have right now. He is greater than my words that I say to myself daily and has proven that to me. There are things I can't do in my own strength and in my weaknesses, but there is NOTHING I can't do with the help of Jesus Christ.
Yes, I still often say I can't.
I can't do this.
I'm not adequate enough.
It's not my thing.
That person would be better at it.
I'm too afraid.
I'm not a good example.
I fail more often than I succeed- why couldn't you pick someone else.
I am not a leader.
I'm not good at speaking in public. I can't do it.
Lies. That small voice in my head that seems to echo forever. That voice that reminds me how I am not in any way suitable to do whatever God is asking me to do. From those lies in my, my lips and my voice give in and often speak the words "I can't."
I am not even close to being adequate enough to do a DTS, not to mention go on the mission field. The doubts in my head, the lies that the Devil is feeding me and I accept them, the echos that go on.... Truth is, this whole thing with doing a DTS and going on the mission field- it's not me. It's God.
I still have doubts that I am learning to combat with God's promises. I have deep fears that I cannot seem to conquer. I question my calling, all the time. I even have questioned God's existence. So I ask myself why I continue to question these things, have those deep fears and doubts that I know aren't true and are just trying to keep me from doing what God has for me.... I'm human.
That is the only answer for all that. I am human. I fail, constantly. I question myself and God, every day.... I'm scared to be perfectly honest. I'm scared that my fears and doubts will hold me back and keep me from doing what God wants me to do while I'm doing this DTS and even before. I don't want that. I pray that God will help overcome of that. Overcome my deepest fears and my worst doubts. I CAN do this, but not through my own strength. I need God's help. He has proven that he does and will always be there to help me. I know he will be with me, so I'm choosing that to be my peace right now.
This morning was one of those mornings where I was frustrated and decided to write out a bunch of reasons why God picked the wrong person for this DTS and life of missions.... I had convinced myself, again, that I couldn't do it, and was trying to show God that too. Instead, God showed me something else through a song.... :)
This song is one that came on earlier this morning while I was
writing my list of doubts and reasons why God should not have
chosen me to do at DTS and a life of missions.
Remind me who I am to You, that I belong to You.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Comfort zone....
I am a person who really likes my comfort zone and where I am. I like to be 'invisible' and blend in with the crowd. To go with flow and follow the rules or the leader, is what I do. Unfortunately, that hasn't really gotten me anywhere with life.
This weekend I was pushed out of a few of my comfort zones, and it was terrifying.
I went to Dare 2 Share in Chicago with my youth group. I wasn't really eager to go to this, but felt I should... Because usually when I don't want to do something, God wants me to do it and uses things to make me do it. Being around 3,000 students and loud music and being stuck in crowds with no personal space, didn't really sound great to me. But, again, I felt God pushing me to do this.. So I did.
Dare 2 Share is a youth conference that trains youth to go out and share the gospel with their friends. This year was theme was 'Fearless'. It was based off of the verses found in Ephesians 6:19-20.
Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should. - Ephesians 6:19-20
I don't know that I really had a single 'God moment' there. More like a bunch of little things that created that God moment. The worship time at that conference was amazing. I really liked it, and cried a lot... I enjoyed the powerful dramas that they did, and the things that were taught.
Our youth pastor told us on Friday before we left for the conference that we would be doing the outreach part at a hospital. My first immediate thought was "No...." After what happened in Ecuador, I wasn't really ready to go back to a hospital and do outreach.
If you don't know what happened in Ecuador, here it is. While in Ecuador we went to a government hospital in Quito. Our team was split into three groups. Two of the groups were going to waiting areas of the hospital, and the third was going to the Oncology and ER area. Our mission was to hand out approximately 500 sandwiches and juice to the people who were waiting. I knew what area I was going to be sent to before we were even split off... I only knew because it was the area that I didn't want to go to, the oncology and ER unit.
Sure enough, I was sent there. I tried to get out of it, but yea... That didn't get me anywhere. It was really hard for me to see all of those hurting people who were literally trying to push their way into the doors of the Oncology unit. I pretty much broke down soon after we got there... I had never seen so many people packed so tightly together in the hallway or seeing guards at the Oncology unit doors trying to tell the people who were trying desperately to get in, that they had to wait.
It was really emotional. Seeing all the people hurting and dying of cancer, and having to wait for hours or days to even see a doctor was really difficult. It broke my heart. But, I made it through. It was good for me to be able to see what the reality is for so many people in the world...
Anyways, after that, I didn't really want to go back to a hospital. So, when Wade announced that we were going to do the hospital as our outreach, I just was not wanting to go. But it was good. I didn't personally get to share the Gospel with someone, unfortunately. I didn't feel like God was telling me to.
However, we got to go to the chapel in the hospital. There, we got to read through a book of prayers that people had written about themselves or family members who were sick. It was touching. we prayed over the people, even though they weren't there. And yes, it was emotional.
I think one of the challenges I had, was knowing that I was going to be uncomfortable and knowing that the youth leaders and closer friends who really knew me, would push me to do things that I just didn't want to do... And truly, that's the way it happened. I was pushed- but the big thing I was pushed into from this weekend, happened this morning.
Last night we were told that we would be sharing our experience in front of our church this morning. Okay, so that pretty much blew my comfort zone into pieces. I hate talking in front of any size crowd, it's pretty much the worst comfort zone line ever crossed (if and when it happens).
Anyways, I was sorta freaking out about it. Mostly silently in my head... I didn't want to do it, but was going to be forced to do it anyways. I told a friend last night, if there were two days out of this year I could choose to be sick on, it would have been today and then graduation Sunday in June. That's how much I hate talking in front of crowds. Yea, well, despite my prayers to be sick last night, I was fine this morning....
Everyone else did a good job, and even though people said I did good, I don't feel like I did. I survived. I did what I had to, and just got out of there. Even if no one else got anything out of what I said, that's okay. I was pushed outside my comfort zone, and I'm realizing that is going to be happening a lot during my life so I need to get used to it (despite how much I hate it right now....).
---
A few things I have realized about my comfort zone... Unless I'm outside of my comfort zone, it's really hard to see God working through me. In my little comfort bubble, everything is the way I like it to be. I can try to remain 'invisible' and just go with the flow and follow the leader... But that isn't really what God is calling me to do.
Unless I take that risk and that single leap of faith to do something out of my comfort zone, I won't ever truly be able to see God work in my weaknesses. No matter how big of a leap outside my comfort zone it is, it's still out of it. Whatever God is calling me to do, I want to one day be able to do it without hesitation and without questioning it and without letting fear take over.
Just so you all know, if you haven't already figured this out, going on the mission field (whatever that looks like) is NOT me. Seriously. A year ago, I would have just said "No way am I ever going to go into the mission field..."
Yea, well that was me. I didn't want to do anything in ministry- and never thought that God would call me into it. Yet, he picked me. Out of all the people he could have chosen, he chose me.
One of the things I'm learning about God is if you say "I can't do this." or "I'll never do that..." chances are, God is going to make you do them. Not to be mean or anything, but to really show you His power in your weaknesses and your deepest fears. I think God laughs at me a lot, because I often say things along the lines of "I can't do this." and then I usually find myself doing it... Then God says, "See... I told you so."
Do I still question my calling? Yes. All the time. I feel so inadequate and feel like there are so many 'better' Christians out there and more ready for this. Yet, because God has called me to do it, I'm doing it. I don't know why. I'm excited about it, but at the same time I afraid.
This DTS is going to blow away every comfort zone I have, and will push me further than anything I've ever done before. I'm nervous. Since being accepted to do this DTS, I've only been pushed more outside of my comfort zone than ever. Mostly by God, but youth leaders and friends as well. God is proving to me that I need him more than ever to be able to do this. I want to see him work in me during this time, and he is.
Thank you to all who push me outside my comfort zone and force me to do things that "I can't do."
Unless I take that risk and that single leap of faith to do something out of my comfort zone, I won't ever truly be able to see God work in my weaknesses. No matter how big of a leap outside my comfort zone it is, it's still out of it. Whatever God is calling me to do, I want to one day be able to do it without hesitation and without questioning it and without letting fear take over.
Just so you all know, if you haven't already figured this out, going on the mission field (whatever that looks like) is NOT me. Seriously. A year ago, I would have just said "No way am I ever going to go into the mission field..."
Yea, well that was me. I didn't want to do anything in ministry- and never thought that God would call me into it. Yet, he picked me. Out of all the people he could have chosen, he chose me.
One of the things I'm learning about God is if you say "I can't do this." or "I'll never do that..." chances are, God is going to make you do them. Not to be mean or anything, but to really show you His power in your weaknesses and your deepest fears. I think God laughs at me a lot, because I often say things along the lines of "I can't do this." and then I usually find myself doing it... Then God says, "See... I told you so."
Do I still question my calling? Yes. All the time. I feel so inadequate and feel like there are so many 'better' Christians out there and more ready for this. Yet, because God has called me to do it, I'm doing it. I don't know why. I'm excited about it, but at the same time I afraid.
This DTS is going to blow away every comfort zone I have, and will push me further than anything I've ever done before. I'm nervous. Since being accepted to do this DTS, I've only been pushed more outside of my comfort zone than ever. Mostly by God, but youth leaders and friends as well. God is proving to me that I need him more than ever to be able to do this. I want to see him work in me during this time, and he is.
Thank you to all who push me outside my comfort zone and force me to do things that "I can't do."
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Learning to Forgive yourself
I've recently been able to hear two sides of one story. Both from very different perspectives. God has thrown me into this situation, and it's neat to see him working. Anyways, I was talking to one of the people in the situation. He said he was struggling with forgiving himself.
When I heard that, I didn't really know what to say. Forgiving yourself is probably one of the hardest steps you'll have to do in asking for forgiveness. I thought about it moment before answering what he said. He had done/is doing everything he can to fix this. He asked God for forgiveness. He asked the other people involved in the situation for forgiveness... Yet, he was struggling to forgive himself for what he did.
I know what he's dealing with it. Forgiving yourself for pain that you caused in the lives of others as well your own life, is far from easy. The devil uses that. Satan wants us to think that we're the problem. That we can't and will never amount to anything. He drags us down and tries his best to discourage us from doing this. He tears down our own self-esteem and tries to cause our minds to believe lies.
You feel stuck. You made a mistake, and people remind you of that daily. You want to move on and be forgiven and forgive yourself, but how can you when the voices of others and voices inside your head are reminding you that you did do that bad thing... That you did fail.
For me, personally, forgiving myself for mistakes I've made in the past is difficult. Truly. I often find myself wishing I done things differently in past. Done them better, and maybe then I wouldn't have hurt people in the process... When I start thinking about my past and focusing on only the mistakes I've made I tend to forget the miracle. The testimony that was made from the mistakes...
God uses everything. Nothing is wasted. We all make mistakes and feel like failures sometimes, but knowing that God wastes NOTHING in our lives is reassuring.
I think, once I stop focusing on everything I did wrong and all of the mistakes that I've made in my past, it gets me thinking about Christ and how amazing it is that he works everything together for good.
When I struggle with forgiving myself now, I try not to focus on the mistake I made, but rather that Jesus has already forgiven me for it and so I should forgive myself and try to do it differently next time. God, the creator of everything, loved us so much that he sent his only son, Jesus, to die for us on the cross. God has already forgiven us for everything wrong we've done and everything we will do wrong.
In order to forgive yourself, you need to come to place where you realize you can't change what happened and you don't want to do it again. You have to realize that the God has already forgiven you and rest in that peace.
You can't change the mistake you made and it's hard to erase the guilt you feel from it. But living in the past and dwelling on that one mistake you made last week, a year ago, or even a decade ago isn't good. You need to forgive yourself. To realize that God loves you no matter what you've done in your past, all that is done. Leave the past in the past, which is where it belongs.
Focus on trusting God. Ask him to give you a peace that surpasses all understanding and helps give you the ability to forgive yourself and move on. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. It just simply means- choosing to move on and leaving the past where it belongs and accepting the grace that God offered to you by his death and resurrection on the cross.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Letting go
Sometimes it's hard to let go of things. We hold on so tightly, and it feels painful to loosen our grip and let God take the reigns sometimes. We want to be in control...
God wants us to let go. 1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
He wants to free you from what is holding you back. God is willing to carry our burden for us, and yet, how come we keep holding it ourselves?-- Because we are human. We like to be in control of things and like to try to control the situation.
I wanted to be in control of a certain situation that I have been struggling with. I wanted things to change in MY timing... I wanted everything to be okay in my timing. I was stressed and anxious about the future, and when people told me to let go and let God, I just couldn't... I tried, but then kept trying to take it back.
Letting go is a process. For me, every time I feel like I can control the situation again, I have to remind myself that I can't, but God can. I need to trust in Him and rely on him. I feel so free. God has this in his control.
What about you... Are you trying to control something that you can't?
God wants us to let go. 1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
He wants to free you from what is holding you back. God is willing to carry our burden for us, and yet, how come we keep holding it ourselves?-- Because we are human. We like to be in control of things and like to try to control the situation.
I wanted to be in control of a certain situation that I have been struggling with. I wanted things to change in MY timing... I wanted everything to be okay in my timing. I was stressed and anxious about the future, and when people told me to let go and let God, I just couldn't... I tried, but then kept trying to take it back.
Letting go is a process. For me, every time I feel like I can control the situation again, I have to remind myself that I can't, but God can. I need to trust in Him and rely on him. I feel so free. God has this in his control.
What about you... Are you trying to control something that you can't?
Monday, February 2, 2015
Hurts and healings
Sometimes before healing there has to be pain. Sometimes you have to reopen wounds in order to cleanse them deeply and remove all the infection. A wound that isn't clean can't properly heal. It will only worse and become full of infection from the filth that has become trapped in it. When that happens, it can only become more painful to reopen and clean. Yet it has to happen or it will only become worse and more painful.
Life is full of wounds. Some of them are smaller, and some bigger. I'm the sort of person that tends to hide the pain I'm dealing with. I'm realizing that cleansing emotional wounds is a lot like physical wounds.
When you get a paper cut, sometimes it can be small or sometimes bigger. All the same it hurts for awhile but then it gets better. You don't try to open the paper cut because it only makes it sting more... But imagine for a second if after you got the paper cut you just ignored it and figured it'd get better and then when to go play in the dirt. You'd get filth in the wound. Unless you properly cleaned it with soap and water it would get infected and it would only become worse.
It's the same way with emotional hurts. Someone might say something hurtful towards you or might be mean to you. It causes hurt. It might start out small, but then it might get bigger because you didn't deal with it when you probably should have. It becomes infected and more painful. You try ignore it but it just grows and becomes bigger and more of problem to deal with. It becomes more painful.
Ignoring the hurt is not the solution. Hiding and trying to forget about the hurt is not the solution.
So, then when it becomes bigger and more painful, you decide to reopen it and try to get rid of all the filth. It's going to be painful. You're reopening and infected wound. It's gonna hurt. Sometimes, the other person involved in creating the wound in the first place won't admit it and doesn't want to deal with. But you can't. Realize that even though someone else created the wound, there is someone greater who can help you heal it. Jesus.
Emotional hurts are very painful if we allow them to become big. I know. I've hidden a lot of my life for a long time. I ignored the hurt and the pain that was forming and didn't take the time to clean it. Reopening the wounds is extremely difficult. Yet, it's good. It's cleaning the infection and making it better.
When you get a splinter in your finger, if you don't deal with it becomes infected and painful. But, if you pull it out when it happens, it won't have time to get infected. It's a good kind of pain. A pain that says, "It's okay now."
God heals.
Sometimes it's easier at first to ignore the small wounds and let them fester and get infected. Then you begin to realize how painful they are and how much you can't do because you're focused more on the pain than what you need to do or what God wants you to do.
It's better to deal with it in the beginning before the wound only becomes deeper and more painful to deal with later on. For me, it's painful. I've hidden a lot and I didn't realize it at first, but let it get infected because I ignored dealing with it to start... It built up and created infection... Tension... Pain....
Reopening the past; the wounds; the hurts is very difficult. I know. It hurts. The infection becomes exposed and it's disgusting to look at and is painful to deal with. But opening and cleaning a wound is a good pain. A pain that just once again means "It's okay now."
Does healing mean there won't be a reminder; a scar? No. There will always be that mark. The mark of pain and of healing... It's a reminder. A reminder of how you dealt with it and cleaned it so now it's just a scar. Painful to remember but no longer painful to deal with.
Life is full of wounds. Some of them are smaller, and some bigger. I'm the sort of person that tends to hide the pain I'm dealing with. I'm realizing that cleansing emotional wounds is a lot like physical wounds.
When you get a paper cut, sometimes it can be small or sometimes bigger. All the same it hurts for awhile but then it gets better. You don't try to open the paper cut because it only makes it sting more... But imagine for a second if after you got the paper cut you just ignored it and figured it'd get better and then when to go play in the dirt. You'd get filth in the wound. Unless you properly cleaned it with soap and water it would get infected and it would only become worse.
It's the same way with emotional hurts. Someone might say something hurtful towards you or might be mean to you. It causes hurt. It might start out small, but then it might get bigger because you didn't deal with it when you probably should have. It becomes infected and more painful. You try ignore it but it just grows and becomes bigger and more of problem to deal with. It becomes more painful.
Ignoring the hurt is not the solution. Hiding and trying to forget about the hurt is not the solution.
So, then when it becomes bigger and more painful, you decide to reopen it and try to get rid of all the filth. It's going to be painful. You're reopening and infected wound. It's gonna hurt. Sometimes, the other person involved in creating the wound in the first place won't admit it and doesn't want to deal with. But you can't. Realize that even though someone else created the wound, there is someone greater who can help you heal it. Jesus.
Emotional hurts are very painful if we allow them to become big. I know. I've hidden a lot of my life for a long time. I ignored the hurt and the pain that was forming and didn't take the time to clean it. Reopening the wounds is extremely difficult. Yet, it's good. It's cleaning the infection and making it better.
When you get a splinter in your finger, if you don't deal with it becomes infected and painful. But, if you pull it out when it happens, it won't have time to get infected. It's a good kind of pain. A pain that says, "It's okay now."
God heals.
Sometimes it's easier at first to ignore the small wounds and let them fester and get infected. Then you begin to realize how painful they are and how much you can't do because you're focused more on the pain than what you need to do or what God wants you to do.
It's better to deal with it in the beginning before the wound only becomes deeper and more painful to deal with later on. For me, it's painful. I've hidden a lot and I didn't realize it at first, but let it get infected because I ignored dealing with it to start... It built up and created infection... Tension... Pain....
Reopening the past; the wounds; the hurts is very difficult. I know. It hurts. The infection becomes exposed and it's disgusting to look at and is painful to deal with. But opening and cleaning a wound is a good pain. A pain that just once again means "It's okay now."
Does healing mean there won't be a reminder; a scar? No. There will always be that mark. The mark of pain and of healing... It's a reminder. A reminder of how you dealt with it and cleaned it so now it's just a scar. Painful to remember but no longer painful to deal with.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Gratitude list
It's been a rough week so far (I know, it's only Tuesday!), but it has been. So, I've decided to post a gratitude list, because sometimes I'm so focused on what is wrong with my life than what is right.
God has given me so much to be grateful for tonight.
1. Time with Him. - I'm grateful for the time that I get to spend really with God. Not with any other distractions or people. Just me and Him. I'm realizing that I need more of that time to grow with Him.
2. Conviction - Say what?! Who likes conviction?! I don't, but I'm grateful that God does and IS convicting me for things. As much as it hurts sometimes to be convicted and have to deal with the conviction, it's needed. If I wasn't ever convicted, would I ever change?
3. Caffeine/Coffee - Not quite as deep at the other two, but seriously, I need caffeine... And COFFEE.
4. Second chances - After conviction, God wants us to change. Sometimes that change is painful (as I'm experiencing.) God wants to change me. I have to let him, even if it hurts. God gives us second chances at things.
5. A time for everything - Ecclesiastes 3:1-14 talks about a time and a season for everything. Even though I might want something to change NOW, it might not be God's timing. Wait. Patience.
6. Cuddling with my little brother - YES! That doesn't happen often, but I was blessed to snuggle him for a little bit on the couch last night while we watch a movie of his pick :)
7. Espresso- Goes along with coffee. Still, love my espresso.
8. Family and Friends who support me in so many ways- Such a blessing!
I know that wasn't a long list or anything, but it's what I'm grateful for tonight... I have many too, but just those ones specifically stuck out to me. What about you? What are you grateful for today?
No matter how hard and discouraging your week has been so far, there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Pride
For a long time, I never viewed myself as proud. I lack self-confidence and whenever the subject of pride came up, I just felt like that never applied to me. The past couple weeks, I have been convicted about pride. I am prideful.
A lot of people don't really think of the word fear when they think of pride. Pride is fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of feeling like a failure. Fear of letting people see you weak. It's all wrapped up in pride.
Being afraid to ask for help when you need it, is pride. Thinking and pretending that you know everything and have it all together and can handle it all yourself without help is a pride issue. You don't have it together all the time. You want to ask for help, but your pride keeps you back.
Pride says, "You can do all of this by yourself."
God says, "You need me to help you. You only need to ask."
I think, a lot of times we don't ask for help when we need it. Pride holds us back from growing.
I am afraid to ask for help. I need the help, but pride holds me back. Fear of what people might think when they see me weak... And human. We put on our strong face and pretend like we have it all together. We fake it. Our pride keeps us from gifts that could have been and could be.
Don't let that happen. I often wonder how many gifts I have missed because pride held me back. I wonder what life would be like right now if I hadn't let the pride creep in and take over during certain decisions. Regret.
It's okay to ask for help. To show your weakness... We're all human. All of us are sinners. We don't have it together. Our lives are messed up.... Jesus fixes that.
Letting God work in me and through me this year has been a challenge. I have realized how much of it was a pride issue. I had to let go of myself to let God take over. I wrestled. I fought. My pride didn't want me to ask for help from the one I love most. The Devil didn't want me turning to Christ.
God has began to fix a lot of the pride in my life. He is working. If you let him he will work. Let God take that pride and let yourself be HUMBLED in his presence and rest with the peace of knowing that God has you.
A lot of people don't really think of the word fear when they think of pride. Pride is fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of feeling like a failure. Fear of letting people see you weak. It's all wrapped up in pride.
Being afraid to ask for help when you need it, is pride. Thinking and pretending that you know everything and have it all together and can handle it all yourself without help is a pride issue. You don't have it together all the time. You want to ask for help, but your pride keeps you back.
Pride says, "You can do all of this by yourself."
God says, "You need me to help you. You only need to ask."
I think, a lot of times we don't ask for help when we need it. Pride holds us back from growing.
I am afraid to ask for help. I need the help, but pride holds me back. Fear of what people might think when they see me weak... And human. We put on our strong face and pretend like we have it all together. We fake it. Our pride keeps us from gifts that could have been and could be.
Don't let that happen. I often wonder how many gifts I have missed because pride held me back. I wonder what life would be like right now if I hadn't let the pride creep in and take over during certain decisions. Regret.
It's okay to ask for help. To show your weakness... We're all human. All of us are sinners. We don't have it together. Our lives are messed up.... Jesus fixes that.
Letting God work in me and through me this year has been a challenge. I have realized how much of it was a pride issue. I had to let go of myself to let God take over. I wrestled. I fought. My pride didn't want me to ask for help from the one I love most. The Devil didn't want me turning to Christ.
God has began to fix a lot of the pride in my life. He is working. If you let him he will work. Let God take that pride and let yourself be HUMBLED in his presence and rest with the peace of knowing that God has you.
Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will lift you up.
-James 4:10
Thursday, January 1, 2015
New Year, New Beginnings
"Forget the former things; do not dwell in the past.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert and streams in
the wasteland."
~Isaiah 43:18-19
Like any year, 2014 has brought many challenges. Yet it has been one of the best years of my life. I have learned so much from it. I continue to look back on it and smile and maybe cry at the things I experienced and the joys I found. Sometimes, I wish I could repeat many of the moments that happened this past year... But I can't.
That's the beauty of memories. A moment, no matter how small or how big, wraps itself up into a simple picture in your mind that you can replay over and over again. I may not be able to relive moments from 2014, but I can remember them.
Looking back at the beginning of 2014, I can safely say that much has changed. It has been amazing to compare myself then and now. Who I was and who I am now. A lot has changed, yet a lot seems to be the same.
I'm very excited to see where God takes me this year. I'm excited to see myself grow and be changed by God. I'm excited to see how God is going to work this year, not just in my life, but also in the lives of others.
God is doing a new thing this year (Isaiah 43:19). I can't wait to see what it is. He is making a way, where there seems to be no way. Praise be to God!
2015 is a year of new beginnings, new adventures, and new experiences. I am going into this year with no expectations... I'm doing this because I don't want my expectations of 2015 should like to get in the way of God's expectations. I want to be willing and open to accept whatever he wants and I don't want myself and my opinions and feelings to be the one stopping what he wants me to do.
Maybe this year has been hard for you too. What are some of the joys that you've found this past year? What are some of things that God has blessed you with?
I'm very excited to see where God takes me this year. I'm excited to see myself grow and be changed by God. I'm excited to see how God is going to work this year, not just in my life, but also in the lives of others.
God is doing a new thing this year (Isaiah 43:19). I can't wait to see what it is. He is making a way, where there seems to be no way. Praise be to God!
2015 is a year of new beginnings, new adventures, and new experiences. I am going into this year with no expectations... I'm doing this because I don't want my expectations of 2015 should like to get in the way of God's expectations. I want to be willing and open to accept whatever he wants and I don't want myself and my opinions and feelings to be the one stopping what he wants me to do.
Maybe this year has been hard for you too. What are some of the joys that you've found this past year? What are some of things that God has blessed you with?
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