"I can't do this...."

   I can't do this. 

   I can't do that. 

 
 
   My life is filled with the two words "I can't....." fairly often. The fear of what might happen if I did something that I don't think I can do, holds me back. I say, "I can't."

   The voice in my head that says "You're going to fail, so don't even try." I try not to believe it, yet sometimes the words I try not to say come out and I find myself saying those two simple words that I dread the most. "I can't."

   I don't why the fear of not being able to do something well keeps holding me back from doing it at all. I don't know why I say the two words that I favor, yet hate... "I can't."

   I find myself later doing the very things I said earlier that "I can't." to. I realize that very things I say "I can't" to are the very things I later do and am able to see God work through me in my weakness.

   I can do everything through HIM who gives me strength.- Philippians 4:13

  The Bible clearly says I can do everything through Christ, so why do I always say the words "I can't." Usually when I say those words, I'm usually trying to persuade myself that I can't do it, because it's scary... Or that I can't do it because it's awkward.... Or maybe it's because I'm trying to persuade myself that I just can't do it because it's not my thing.

    Um yea.

    For me, personally, the chances of me doing something that I say "I can't do" , are very high. Usually within seconds after I say it, I find myself doing it.

   For instance- this blog. I said to myself, "I can't write it." Truth is, I can write it, I just was trying to come up with an excuse not to write it, but saying "I can't write it" about a blog post entitled "I can't do this...." just didn't seem like a good excuse. Needless to say, I am writing it.

    Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Song and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. - Matthew 28:19-20

   God promises that he will always be with us. ALWAYS. God is greater than the very deepest fears I have right now. He is greater than my words that I say to myself daily and has proven that to me. There are things I can't do in my own strength and in my weaknesses, but there is NOTHING I can't do with the help of Jesus Christ.

   Yes, I still often say I can't. 
I can't do this. 
I'm not adequate enough. 
It's not my thing. 
That person would be better at it. 
I'm too afraid. 
I'm not a good example. 
I fail more often than I succeed- why couldn't you pick someone else.
I am not a leader. 
I'm not good at speaking in public. I can't do it. 

   Lies. That small voice in my head that seems to echo forever. That voice that reminds me how I am not in any way suitable to do whatever God is asking me to do. From those lies in my, my lips and my voice give in and often speak the words "I can't."

   I am not even close to being adequate enough to do a DTS, not to mention go on the mission field. The doubts in my head, the lies that the Devil is feeding me and I accept them, the echos that go on.... Truth is, this whole thing with doing a DTS and going on the mission field- it's not me. It's God.

   I still have doubts that I am learning to combat with God's promises. I have deep fears that I cannot seem to conquer. I question my calling, all the time. I even have questioned God's existence. So I ask myself why I continue to question these things, have those deep fears and doubts that I know aren't true and are just trying to keep me from doing what God has for me.... I'm human.

   That is the only answer for all that. I am human. I fail, constantly. I question myself and God, every day.... I'm scared to be perfectly honest. I'm scared that my fears and doubts will hold me back and keep me from doing what God wants me to do while I'm doing this DTS and even before. I don't want that. I pray that God will help overcome of that. Overcome my deepest fears and my worst doubts. I CAN do this, but not through my own strength. I need God's help. He has proven that he does and will always be there to help me. I know he will be with me, so I'm choosing that to be my peace right now.

   This morning was one of those mornings where I was frustrated and decided to write out a bunch of reasons why God picked the wrong person for this DTS and life of missions.... I had convinced myself, again, that I couldn't do it, and was trying to show God that too. Instead, God showed me something else through a song.... :)

   This song is one that came on earlier this morning while I was 

writing my list of doubts and reasons why God should not have 

chosen me to do at DTS and a life of missions. 

Remind me who I am to You, that I belong to You.