"I can't do this...."

   I can't do this. 

   I can't do that. 

 
 
   My life is filled with the two words "I can't....." fairly often. The fear of what might happen if I did something that I don't think I can do, holds me back. I say, "I can't."

   The voice in my head that says "You're going to fail, so don't even try." I try not to believe it, yet sometimes the words I try not to say come out and I find myself saying those two simple words that I dread the most. "I can't."

   I don't why the fear of not being able to do something well keeps holding me back from doing it at all. I don't know why I say the two words that I favor, yet hate... "I can't."

   I find myself later doing the very things I said earlier that "I can't." to. I realize that very things I say "I can't" to are the very things I later do and am able to see God work through me in my weakness.

   I can do everything through HIM who gives me strength.- Philippians 4:13

  The Bible clearly says I can do everything through Christ, so why do I always say the words "I can't." Usually when I say those words, I'm usually trying to persuade myself that I can't do it, because it's scary... Or that I can't do it because it's awkward.... Or maybe it's because I'm trying to persuade myself that I just can't do it because it's not my thing.

    Um yea.

    For me, personally, the chances of me doing something that I say "I can't do" , are very high. Usually within seconds after I say it, I find myself doing it.

   For instance- this blog. I said to myself, "I can't write it." Truth is, I can write it, I just was trying to come up with an excuse not to write it, but saying "I can't write it" about a blog post entitled "I can't do this...." just didn't seem like a good excuse. Needless to say, I am writing it.

    Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Song and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. - Matthew 28:19-20

   God promises that he will always be with us. ALWAYS. God is greater than the very deepest fears I have right now. He is greater than my words that I say to myself daily and has proven that to me. There are things I can't do in my own strength and in my weaknesses, but there is NOTHING I can't do with the help of Jesus Christ.

   Yes, I still often say I can't. 
I can't do this. 
I'm not adequate enough. 
It's not my thing. 
That person would be better at it. 
I'm too afraid. 
I'm not a good example. 
I fail more often than I succeed- why couldn't you pick someone else.
I am not a leader. 
I'm not good at speaking in public. I can't do it. 

   Lies. That small voice in my head that seems to echo forever. That voice that reminds me how I am not in any way suitable to do whatever God is asking me to do. From those lies in my, my lips and my voice give in and often speak the words "I can't."

   I am not even close to being adequate enough to do a DTS, not to mention go on the mission field. The doubts in my head, the lies that the Devil is feeding me and I accept them, the echos that go on.... Truth is, this whole thing with doing a DTS and going on the mission field- it's not me. It's God.

   I still have doubts that I am learning to combat with God's promises. I have deep fears that I cannot seem to conquer. I question my calling, all the time. I even have questioned God's existence. So I ask myself why I continue to question these things, have those deep fears and doubts that I know aren't true and are just trying to keep me from doing what God has for me.... I'm human.

   That is the only answer for all that. I am human. I fail, constantly. I question myself and God, every day.... I'm scared to be perfectly honest. I'm scared that my fears and doubts will hold me back and keep me from doing what God wants me to do while I'm doing this DTS and even before. I don't want that. I pray that God will help overcome of that. Overcome my deepest fears and my worst doubts. I CAN do this, but not through my own strength. I need God's help. He has proven that he does and will always be there to help me. I know he will be with me, so I'm choosing that to be my peace right now.

   This morning was one of those mornings where I was frustrated and decided to write out a bunch of reasons why God picked the wrong person for this DTS and life of missions.... I had convinced myself, again, that I couldn't do it, and was trying to show God that too. Instead, God showed me something else through a song.... :)

   This song is one that came on earlier this morning while I was 

writing my list of doubts and reasons why God should not have 

chosen me to do at DTS and a life of missions. 

Remind me who I am to You, that I belong to You.

 
 

Comfort zone....

   I am a person who really likes my comfort zone and where I am. I like to be 'invisible' and blend in with the crowd. To go with flow and follow the rules or the leader, is what I do. Unfortunately, that hasn't really gotten me anywhere with life.

   This weekend I was pushed out of a few of my comfort zones, and it was terrifying. 

   I went to Dare 2 Share in Chicago with my youth group. I wasn't really eager to go to this, but felt I should... Because usually when I don't want to do something, God wants me to do it and uses things to make me do it. Being around 3,000 students and loud music and being stuck in crowds with no personal space, didn't really sound great to me. But, again, I felt God pushing me to do this.. So I did. 

   Dare 2 Share is a youth conference that trains youth to go out and share the gospel with their friends. This year was theme was 'Fearless'. It was based off of the verses found in Ephesians 6:19-20.

   Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly,  as I should. - Ephesians 6:19-20

   I don't know that I really had a single 'God moment' there. More like a bunch of little things that created that God moment. The worship time at that conference was amazing. I really liked it, and cried a lot... I enjoyed the powerful dramas that they did, and the things that were taught.

   Our youth pastor told us on Friday before we left for the conference that we would be doing the outreach part at a hospital. My first immediate thought was "No...." After what happened in Ecuador, I wasn't really ready to go back to a hospital and do outreach. 

   If you don't know what happened in Ecuador, here it is. While in Ecuador we went to a government hospital in Quito. Our team was split into three groups. Two of the groups were going to waiting areas of the hospital, and the third was going to the Oncology and ER area. Our mission was to hand out approximately 500 sandwiches and juice to the people who were waiting. I knew what area I was going to be sent to before we were even split off... I only knew because it was the area that I didn't want to go to, the oncology and ER unit. 

   Sure enough, I was sent there. I tried to get out of it, but yea... That didn't get me anywhere. It was really hard for me to see all of those hurting people who were literally trying to push their way into the doors of the Oncology unit. I pretty much broke down soon after we got there... I had never seen so many people packed so tightly together in the hallway or seeing guards at the Oncology unit doors trying to tell the people who were trying desperately to get in, that they had to wait. 

   It was really emotional. Seeing all the people hurting and dying of cancer, and having to wait for hours or days to even see a doctor was really difficult. It broke my heart. But, I made it through. It was good for me to be able to see what the reality is for so many people in the world...

   Anyways, after that, I didn't really want to go back to a hospital. So, when Wade announced that we were going to do the hospital as our outreach, I just was not wanting to go. But it was good. I didn't personally get to share the Gospel with someone, unfortunately. I didn't feel like God was telling me to. 

   However, we got to go to the chapel in the hospital. There, we got to read through a book of prayers that people had written about themselves or family members who were sick. It was touching. we prayed over the people, even though they weren't there. And yes, it was emotional. 

   I think one of the challenges I had, was knowing that I was going to be uncomfortable and knowing that the youth leaders and closer friends who really knew me, would push me to do things that I just didn't want to do... And truly, that's the way it happened. I was pushed- but the big thing I was pushed into from this weekend, happened this morning.

   Last night we were told that we would be sharing our experience in front of our church this morning. Okay, so that pretty much blew my comfort zone into pieces. I hate talking in front of any size crowd, it's pretty much the worst comfort zone line ever crossed (if and when it happens).

   Anyways, I was sorta freaking out about it. Mostly silently in my head... I didn't want to do it, but was going to be forced to do it anyways. I told a friend last night, if there were two days out of this year I could choose to be sick on, it would have been today and then graduation Sunday in June. That's how much I hate talking in front of crowds. Yea, well, despite my prayers to be sick last night, I was fine this morning.... 

   Everyone else did a good job, and even though people said I did good, I don't feel like I did. I survived. I did what I had to, and just got out of there. Even if no one else got anything out of what I said, that's okay. I was pushed outside my comfort zone, and I'm realizing that is going to be happening a lot during my life so I need to get used to it (despite how much I hate it right now....).

   --- 

    A few things I have realized about my comfort zone... Unless I'm outside of my comfort zone, it's really hard to see God working through me. In my little comfort bubble, everything is the way I like it to be. I can try to remain 'invisible' and just go with the flow and follow the leader... But that isn't really what God is calling me to do.

   Unless I take that risk and that single leap of faith to do something out of my comfort zone, I won't ever truly be able to see God work in my weaknesses. No matter how big of a leap outside my comfort zone it is, it's still out of it. Whatever God is calling me to do, I want to one day be able to do it without hesitation and without questioning it and without letting fear take over.

   Just so you all know, if you haven't already figured this out, going on the mission field (whatever that looks like) is NOT me. Seriously. A year ago, I would have just said "No way am I ever going to go into the mission field..."

   Yea, well that was me. I didn't want to do anything in ministry- and never thought that God would call me into it. Yet, he picked me. Out of all the people he could have chosen, he chose me.

   One of the things I'm learning about God is if you say "I can't do this." or "I'll never do that..." chances are, God is going to make you do them. Not to be mean or anything, but to really show you His power in your weaknesses and your deepest fears. I think God laughs at me a lot, because I often say things along the lines of  "I can't do this." and then I usually find myself doing it... Then God says, "See... I told you so."

   Do I still question my calling? Yes. All the time. I feel so inadequate and feel like there are so many 'better' Christians out there and more ready for this. Yet, because God has called me to do it, I'm doing it. I don't know why. I'm excited about it, but at the same time I afraid.

   This DTS is going to blow away every comfort zone I have, and will push me further than anything I've ever done before. I'm nervous. Since being accepted to do this DTS, I've only been pushed more outside of my comfort zone than ever. Mostly by God, but youth leaders and friends as well. God is proving to me that I need him more than ever to be able to do this. I want to see him work in me during this time, and he is.

   Thank you to all who push me outside my comfort zone and force me to do things that "I can't do."

 
   

Learning to Forgive yourself

   I've recently been able to hear two sides of one story. Both from very different perspectives. God has thrown me into this situation, and it's neat to see him working. Anyways, I was talking to one of the people in the situation. He said he was struggling with forgiving himself.

  When I heard that, I didn't really know what to say. Forgiving yourself is probably one of the hardest steps you'll have to do in asking for forgiveness. I thought about it moment before answering what he said. He had done/is doing everything he can to fix this. He asked God for forgiveness. He asked the other people involved in the situation for forgiveness... Yet, he was struggling to forgive himself for what he did. 

   I know what he's dealing with it. Forgiving yourself for pain that you caused in the lives of others as well your own life, is far from easy. The devil uses that. Satan wants us to think that we're the problem. That we can't and will never amount to anything. He drags us down and tries his best to discourage us from doing this. He tears down our own self-esteem and tries to cause our minds to believe lies.

   You feel stuck. You made a mistake, and people remind you of that daily. You want to move on and be forgiven and forgive yourself, but how can you when the voices of others and voices inside your head are reminding you that you did do that bad thing... That you did fail.

  For me, personally, forgiving myself for mistakes I've made in the past is difficult. Truly. I often find myself wishing I done things differently in past. Done them better, and maybe then I wouldn't have hurt people in the process... When I start thinking about my past and focusing on only the mistakes I've made I tend to forget the miracle. The testimony that was made from the mistakes... 

God uses everything. Nothing is wasted. We all make mistakes and feel like failures sometimes, but knowing that God wastes NOTHING in our lives is reassuring.

  I think, once I stop focusing on everything I did wrong and all of the mistakes that I've made in my past, it gets me thinking about Christ and how amazing it is that he works everything together for good. 

   When I struggle with forgiving myself now, I try not to focus on the mistake I made, but rather that Jesus has already forgiven me for it and so I should forgive myself and try to do it differently next time. God, the creator of everything, loved us so much that he sent his only son, Jesus, to die for us on the cross. God has already forgiven us for everything wrong we've done and everything we will do wrong. 

   In order to forgive yourself, you need to come to place where you realize you can't change what happened and you don't want to do it again. You have to realize that the God has already forgiven you and rest in that peace. 

   You can't change the mistake you made and it's hard to erase the guilt you feel from it. But living in the past and dwelling on that one mistake you made last week, a year ago, or even a decade ago isn't good. You need to forgive yourself. To realize that God loves you no matter what you've done in your past, all that is done. Leave the past in the past, which is where it belongs. 

   Focus on trusting God. Ask him to give you a peace that surpasses all understanding and helps give you the ability to forgive yourself and move on. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. It just simply means- choosing to move on and leaving the past where it belongs and accepting the grace that God offered to you by his death and resurrection on the cross. 

  

Letting go

   Sometimes it's hard to let go of things. We hold on so tightly, and it feels painful to loosen our grip and let God take the reigns sometimes. We want to be in control...

   God wants us to let go. 1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."
He wants to free you from what is holding you back. God is willing to carry our burden for us, and yet, how come we keep holding it ourselves?-- Because we are human. We like to be in control of things and like to try to control the situation.

   I wanted to be in control of a certain situation that I have been struggling with. I wanted things to change in MY timing... I wanted everything to be okay in my timing. I was stressed and anxious about the future, and when people told me to let go and let God, I just couldn't... I tried, but then kept trying to take it back.

   Letting go is a process. For me, every time I feel like I can control the situation again, I have to remind myself that I can't, but God can. I need to trust in Him and rely on him. I feel so free. God has this in his control.

   What about you... Are you trying to control something that you can't?

Hurts and healings

   Sometimes before healing there has to be pain. Sometimes you have to reopen wounds in order to cleanse them deeply and remove all the infection. A wound that isn't clean can't properly heal. It will only worse and become full of infection from the filth that has become trapped in it. When that happens, it can only become more painful to reopen and clean. Yet it has to happen or it will only become worse and more painful.

   Life is full of wounds. Some of them are smaller, and some bigger. I'm the sort of person that tends to hide the pain I'm dealing with. I'm realizing that cleansing emotional wounds is a lot like physical wounds.

   When you get a paper cut, sometimes it can be small or sometimes bigger. All the same it hurts for awhile but then it gets better. You don't try to open the paper cut because it only makes it sting more... But imagine for a second if after you got the paper cut you just ignored it and figured it'd get better and then when to go play in the dirt. You'd get filth in the wound. Unless you properly cleaned it with soap and water it would get infected and it would only become worse.

   It's the same way with emotional hurts. Someone might say something hurtful towards you or might be mean to you. It causes hurt. It might start out small, but then it might get bigger because you didn't deal with it when you probably should have. It becomes infected and more painful. You try ignore it but it just grows and becomes bigger and more of problem to deal with. It becomes more painful.

Ignoring the hurt is not the solution. Hiding and trying to forget about the hurt is not the solution.

  So, then when it becomes bigger and more painful, you decide to reopen it and try to get rid of all the filth. It's going to be painful. You're reopening and infected wound. It's gonna hurt. Sometimes, the other person involved in creating the wound in the first place won't admit it and doesn't want to deal with. But you can't. Realize that even though someone else created the wound, there is someone greater who can help you heal it. Jesus. 

  Emotional hurts are very painful if we allow them to become big. I know. I've hidden a lot of my life for a long time. I ignored the hurt and the pain that was forming and didn't take the time to clean it. Reopening the wounds is extremely difficult. Yet, it's good. It's cleaning the infection and making it better.

   When you get a splinter in your finger, if you don't deal with it becomes infected and painful. But, if you pull it out when it happens, it won't have time to get infected. It's a good kind of pain. A pain that says, "It's okay now."

   God heals.

  Sometimes it's easier at first to ignore the small wounds and let them fester and get infected. Then you begin to realize how painful they are and how much you can't do because you're focused more on the pain than what you need to do or what God wants you to do.

   It's better to deal with it in the beginning before the wound only becomes deeper and more painful to deal with later on. For me, it's painful. I've hidden a lot and I didn't realize it at first, but let it get infected because I ignored dealing with it to start... It built up and created infection... Tension... Pain....

   Reopening the past; the wounds; the hurts is very difficult. I know. It hurts. The infection becomes exposed and it's disgusting to look at and is painful to deal with. But opening and cleaning a wound is a good pain. A pain that just once again means "It's okay now."

   Does healing mean there won't be a reminder; a scar? No. There will always be that mark. The mark of pain and of healing... It's a reminder. A reminder of how you dealt with it and cleaned it so now it's just a scar. Painful to remember but no longer painful to deal with.

 

Gratitude list

It's been a rough week so far (I know, it's only Tuesday!), but it has been. So, I've decided to post a gratitude list, because sometimes I'm so focused on what is wrong with my life than what is right.

God has given me so much to be grateful for tonight. 

1. Time with Him. - I'm grateful for the time that I get to spend really with God. Not with any other distractions or people. Just me and Him. I'm realizing that I need more of that time to grow with Him. 

2. Conviction - Say what?! Who likes conviction?! I don't, but I'm grateful that God does and IS convicting me for things. As much as it hurts sometimes to be convicted and have to deal with the conviction, it's needed. If I wasn't ever convicted, would I ever change? 

3. Caffeine/Coffee - Not quite as deep at the other two, but seriously, I need caffeine... And COFFEE.

4. Second chances - After conviction, God wants us to change. Sometimes that change is painful (as I'm experiencing.) God wants to change me. I have to let him, even if it hurts. God gives us second chances at things. 

5. A time for everything - Ecclesiastes 3:1-14 talks about a time and a season for everything. Even though I might want something to change NOW, it might not be God's timing. Wait. Patience. 

6. Cuddling with my little brother - YES! That doesn't happen often, but I was blessed to snuggle him for a little bit on the couch last night while we watch a movie of his pick :) 

7. Espresso- Goes along with coffee. Still, love my espresso.

8. Family and Friends who support me in so many ways- Such a blessing! 

I know that wasn't a long list or anything, but it's what I'm grateful for tonight... I have many too, but just those ones specifically stuck out to me. What about you? What are you grateful for today? 

No matter how hard and discouraging your week has been so far, there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for. 

Pride

For a long time, I never viewed myself as proud. I lack self-confidence and whenever the subject of pride came up, I just felt like that never applied to me. The past couple weeks, I have been convicted about pride. I am prideful.

   A lot of people don't really think of the word fear when they think of pride. Pride is fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of feeling like a failure. Fear of letting people see you weak. It's all wrapped up in pride.

   Being afraid to ask for help when you need it, is pride. Thinking and pretending that you know everything and have it  all together and can handle it all yourself without help is a pride issue. You don't have it together all the time. You want to ask for help, but your pride keeps you back.

  Pride says, "You can do all of this by yourself."
  God says, "You need me to help you. You only need to ask."

   I think, a lot of times we don't ask for help when we need it. Pride holds us back from growing.
I am afraid to ask for help. I need the help, but pride holds me back. Fear of what people might think when they see me weak... And human. We put on our strong face and pretend like we have it all together. We fake it. Our pride keeps us from gifts that could have been and could be.

   Don't let that happen. I often wonder how many gifts I have missed because pride held me back. I wonder what life would be like right now if I hadn't let the pride creep in and take over during certain decisions. Regret.

   It's okay to ask for help. To show your weakness... We're all human. All of us are sinners. We don't have it together. Our lives are messed up.... Jesus fixes that.

    Letting God work in me and through me this year has been a challenge. I have realized how much of it was a pride issue. I had to let go of myself to let God take over. I wrestled. I fought. My pride didn't want me to ask for help from the one I love most. The Devil didn't want me turning to Christ.

   God has began to fix a lot of the pride in my life. He is working. If you let him he will work. Let God take that pride and let yourself be HUMBLED in his presence and rest with the peace of knowing that God has you.

Humble yourselves before the Lord and He will lift you up.

-James 4:10