Dear friends,
this blog has moved. Due to the fact that blogger.com is blocked at the YWAM base I am going to be staying at- I have created a new blog. It here that I will keep you guys updated.
www.surrenderingmyjournal.wordpress.com
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Thursday, August 20, 2015
New focus
My focus has been chosen.
I will be doing the worship focus. While singing and music are a part of worship, this will focus more on what the heart of worship truly is.
The countdown until my DTS orientation day is now 30 days. Wow.
I feel like I'm about to start an adventure where I don't know anything. Yet, maybe that is a good thing.
I think my lack of confidence and places where I know I am weak, will be where I can see God working in me.
God has given me peace that this focus, Worship, is what I need to do. I need to learn how to worship, and what worship truly is. I think sometimes I get caught up in going through the motions of worship... I don't want to go through the motions of worship anymore, and have been praying that God would help me with this. Maybe, this is why my original focus got cancelled. God is good. All the time.
I can do this, through Him.
I will be doing the worship focus. While singing and music are a part of worship, this will focus more on what the heart of worship truly is.
The countdown until my DTS orientation day is now 30 days. Wow.
I feel like I'm about to start an adventure where I don't know anything. Yet, maybe that is a good thing.
I think my lack of confidence and places where I know I am weak, will be where I can see God working in me.
God has given me peace that this focus, Worship, is what I need to do. I need to learn how to worship, and what worship truly is. I think sometimes I get caught up in going through the motions of worship... I don't want to go through the motions of worship anymore, and have been praying that God would help me with this. Maybe, this is why my original focus got cancelled. God is good. All the time.
I can do this, through Him.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Unexpected changes
Most of you are unaware of what happened last week, so I feel like I should share it just so people can be praying...
Thursday of last week, I found out that my DTS focus was cancelled. I had chosen Justice and Mercy for my focus, because it worked with kids. When I found out that it was cancelled, I immediately felt very disappointed and confused, and even a bit angry.
How could God bring me this far to have it get cancelled?
I had two options. I could quit or I could still do a DTS but with a different focus. My first thought was, "I am going to quit. It's obvious that I made the wrong decision by having it get cancelled." However, I began to pray about it. I wanted to still do a DTS, but if now wasn't the right time I prayed that God would help me be okay with that. But, I also prayed that if it was the right time, that he would give me a peace about it and reveal to me a new focus. \
After praying, I felt strongly that I was still supposed to do this. God brought my attention to YWAM Minneapolis through the Justice and Mercy Focus, but he wants to push me further than that. Victoria, the girl I was supposed to be doing the Justice and Mercy focus with, pointed out that she felt like we had both picked it because out of all of focuses it appealed to us. It would push us, but at the same time it would be safe. We both agreed that God wants more from us right now.
I have three focuses I can still chose from: Dance, Outdoor Adventure, and Worship. I completely eliminated Dance right off, because I just don't dance... So, I'm choosing between Outdoor Adventure and Worship.
Honestly, I'm not sure which one yet. I feel like God could just be giving me a choice where either one would be okay... Both focuses will make me very uncomfortable, but in a good way. They will push me. A LOT. I am just asking for prayer as I chose what focus I will do. I am still leaving in September to do this DTS, because God has told me that NOW is the right time.
One of my favorite songs, Oceans, has been kicking my butt since Thursday. It got to the point a couple days ago where I shut off the radio when it came on (which was pointless since a friend requested to turn it back on...) Every time I hear that song, God says, "You prayed for this, remember?"
Thursday of last week, I found out that my DTS focus was cancelled. I had chosen Justice and Mercy for my focus, because it worked with kids. When I found out that it was cancelled, I immediately felt very disappointed and confused, and even a bit angry.
How could God bring me this far to have it get cancelled?
I had two options. I could quit or I could still do a DTS but with a different focus. My first thought was, "I am going to quit. It's obvious that I made the wrong decision by having it get cancelled." However, I began to pray about it. I wanted to still do a DTS, but if now wasn't the right time I prayed that God would help me be okay with that. But, I also prayed that if it was the right time, that he would give me a peace about it and reveal to me a new focus. \
After praying, I felt strongly that I was still supposed to do this. God brought my attention to YWAM Minneapolis through the Justice and Mercy Focus, but he wants to push me further than that. Victoria, the girl I was supposed to be doing the Justice and Mercy focus with, pointed out that she felt like we had both picked it because out of all of focuses it appealed to us. It would push us, but at the same time it would be safe. We both agreed that God wants more from us right now.
I have three focuses I can still chose from: Dance, Outdoor Adventure, and Worship. I completely eliminated Dance right off, because I just don't dance... So, I'm choosing between Outdoor Adventure and Worship.
Honestly, I'm not sure which one yet. I feel like God could just be giving me a choice where either one would be okay... Both focuses will make me very uncomfortable, but in a good way. They will push me. A LOT. I am just asking for prayer as I chose what focus I will do. I am still leaving in September to do this DTS, because God has told me that NOW is the right time.
One of my favorite songs, Oceans, has been kicking my butt since Thursday. It got to the point a couple days ago where I shut off the radio when it came on (which was pointless since a friend requested to turn it back on...) Every time I hear that song, God says, "You prayed for this, remember?"
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me....
I did pray that song as my prayer for over a year now. And I am continuing to pray it. I want God to stretch me and push me to where I am at a place where I can only rely on Him. He is.
Anyways, thank you for your thoughts and prayers as I continue this journey. I will chose a focus (hopefully this week). God is amazing, and I am truly excited to see what he will do in me and through me on this DTS. Love you all.
Monday, July 27, 2015
God is supplying
In the past three weeks, God has blown me away with how much he is providing. Everything fairly expensive that I thought I would need to buy for this DTS, is already being provided by other people.
Yesterday, I had my first fundraiser for this DTS. It was a bake sale. The weeks prior to this happening, I had told people about it and asked for donations of baked goods. I only heard from a few people. I was kinda freaking out about it, because yesterday, in my mind was a horrible day to do a fundraiser of any kind.
Green Country fair was just ending, so there were a lot of people who were having to be there. Meanwhile, Rock County fair week was just a couple days shy of beginning and there were people involved in that as well. This entire weekend I kept thinking how I just picked the wrong date for this. However, God kept challenging me by saying, "Don't you trust me? I called you to do this, and I will supply."
He did.
I got to church on Sunday morning and there were baked donations all over the counter as well as some baked things that kept coming in. I was only expecting maybe $200 off of this bake sale, but instead I made almost $600.
God will supply.
I currently have about $3200 for this DTS out of $5300... I have no doubt that God will provide the funds one way or another. He has shown me these past couple weeks that it will be okay.
In other news, the day is getting closer when I will leave. Counting down the days. We're down to 55 days until orientation! I'm excited, nervous, and sad all at the same time... It's going to be hard to leave, but I'm excited to see what God is going to do with me in this.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
A lesson at Freedomfest
Yesterday, I went to an event called Freedomfest with my youth group. There were rides and concerts. Jamie Grace, Citizen Way, and Group 1 Crew were all performing. The rides were free, as well as the concert... Anyways, while I went there to have a good time, I learned a lesson on the way.
For some reason, I am a sucker for peer pressure (Maybe because I'm a people pleaser.......).
I went last year and swore to myself that I would not go onto the same ride that I was pulled onto last year thanks to my youth pastor. Well, guess what... I got into line to do this crazy ride again.
It was the kind of ride where if something were to go wrong, things could go bad. I guess every fair ride has that risk, but to me, this one just freaked me out more than anything. It went completely upside about halfway through. That is the part I seriously hate (that, and the agony of waiting for that part to happen...) Prior to taking the last few steps onto the ride, I looked longingly back at the gate. By the time I was seriously wanting off of that ride, I was shut in, buckled down, and there was nothing I could do to get out. This. Was. It. I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do about it now.
Then it started.
The adrenaline I began to get was amazing, but I'm not sure it was good. I was so freaked out, started telling my youth pastor that I wanted off (maybe I screamed it...), and then just accepted the fact that I would probably die if this ride malfunctioned. I don't think I ever screamed while I was on the ride, but I know I was asking myself a ton of questions.. Like, "Why am I even doing this?!"or "Can I please get off now?" or... "Is this done yet??!"
I was so tense. The ride probably only lasted about a minute, but seriously, it was probably the LONGEST minute of my life. As soon as I realized that the ride was slowing down, I just wanted out. I didn't care that it wasn't completely done, I WANTED OUT. The only thing holding me back from getting out was the safety restraint... As soon as it opened, I was out.
I stepped out of it, and thought to myself, "Wow. I'm glad that is over." and, "I regret not taking that chance to slip outside the line before the ride."
About ten minutes later, after my heart stopped racing and I realized I was fine.... a sense of realization hit. I had conquered this particular fear. I didn't get out of line (Lord knows I wanted to at the time...) and I did it... Yes, by the time I wanted to seriously get off, there was no possibly way I could.... But I had done it.
When a middle schooler heard me say I had wanted off once I was already on the ride itself, she said, "Well you did it, and it's better than regretting not doing it." Wow. Wise words. What is worse? Regret or Conquer?
My life theory lately seems to be, if I don't want to do it, don't think I can do it, have a deep irrational fear about doing it, if it is too far outside my cozy little comfort zone.... I should probably do it and more than likely will do it.
So maybe, I was pushed into doing it. Maybe I thought a million times that I wanted to back out of the line and wimp out. Maybe I was really serious about it too, and maybe by the time I was going to back down, I was already too far in it to quit. But maybe, I enjoyed it. Not because it was fun, but because I realized that I was conquering this. I was conquering this fear, this voice in my head saying, "You can't do it..." That's probably why I did it. I was conquering.
I realize now (over 12 hours later...) that I would have regretted not doing it. Not doing it would have meant that I would not have conquered that fear. I would have regretted it, and that is even more nerve-wracking than doing it.
Sometimes life is about pushing when you feel like giving up. It's doing something hard that you know you'll regret later if you don't do it. Then, when it's over it's realizing that you did it! You realize that you conquered it and now you can keep going. Maybe it's not a fair ride... Maybe it's just life. Maybe it's going on a mission trip that you feel you just can't do because of all the unknowns... Maybe it's just calling that one friend to reconcile with them... Or maybe, it's just simply starting a conversation.
Whatever it might be for you, I just want to encourage you to try it. Don't let your fear of what MIGHT happen determine what you do. Don't. Just try it. Go on that mission trip, God will supply what you need. Call that friend. Or start that conversation. Whatever it may be, just conquer it. If you feel like God wants you to do something, do it. I promise you, you won't regret it.
But, you know what you will regret? The chances you didn't take....
For some reason, I am a sucker for peer pressure (Maybe because I'm a people pleaser.......).
I went last year and swore to myself that I would not go onto the same ride that I was pulled onto last year thanks to my youth pastor. Well, guess what... I got into line to do this crazy ride again.
It was the kind of ride where if something were to go wrong, things could go bad. I guess every fair ride has that risk, but to me, this one just freaked me out more than anything. It went completely upside about halfway through. That is the part I seriously hate (that, and the agony of waiting for that part to happen...) Prior to taking the last few steps onto the ride, I looked longingly back at the gate. By the time I was seriously wanting off of that ride, I was shut in, buckled down, and there was nothing I could do to get out. This. Was. It. I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do about it now.
Then it started.
The adrenaline I began to get was amazing, but I'm not sure it was good. I was so freaked out, started telling my youth pastor that I wanted off (maybe I screamed it...), and then just accepted the fact that I would probably die if this ride malfunctioned. I don't think I ever screamed while I was on the ride, but I know I was asking myself a ton of questions.. Like, "Why am I even doing this?!"or "Can I please get off now?" or... "Is this done yet??!"
I was so tense. The ride probably only lasted about a minute, but seriously, it was probably the LONGEST minute of my life. As soon as I realized that the ride was slowing down, I just wanted out. I didn't care that it wasn't completely done, I WANTED OUT. The only thing holding me back from getting out was the safety restraint... As soon as it opened, I was out.
I stepped out of it, and thought to myself, "Wow. I'm glad that is over." and, "I regret not taking that chance to slip outside the line before the ride."
About ten minutes later, after my heart stopped racing and I realized I was fine.... a sense of realization hit. I had conquered this particular fear. I didn't get out of line (Lord knows I wanted to at the time...) and I did it... Yes, by the time I wanted to seriously get off, there was no possibly way I could.... But I had done it.
When a middle schooler heard me say I had wanted off once I was already on the ride itself, she said, "Well you did it, and it's better than regretting not doing it." Wow. Wise words. What is worse? Regret or Conquer?
My life theory lately seems to be, if I don't want to do it, don't think I can do it, have a deep irrational fear about doing it, if it is too far outside my cozy little comfort zone.... I should probably do it and more than likely will do it.
So maybe, I was pushed into doing it. Maybe I thought a million times that I wanted to back out of the line and wimp out. Maybe I was really serious about it too, and maybe by the time I was going to back down, I was already too far in it to quit. But maybe, I enjoyed it. Not because it was fun, but because I realized that I was conquering this. I was conquering this fear, this voice in my head saying, "You can't do it..." That's probably why I did it. I was conquering.
I realize now (over 12 hours later...) that I would have regretted not doing it. Not doing it would have meant that I would not have conquered that fear. I would have regretted it, and that is even more nerve-wracking than doing it.
Sometimes life is about pushing when you feel like giving up. It's doing something hard that you know you'll regret later if you don't do it. Then, when it's over it's realizing that you did it! You realize that you conquered it and now you can keep going. Maybe it's not a fair ride... Maybe it's just life. Maybe it's going on a mission trip that you feel you just can't do because of all the unknowns... Maybe it's just calling that one friend to reconcile with them... Or maybe, it's just simply starting a conversation.
Whatever it might be for you, I just want to encourage you to try it. Don't let your fear of what MIGHT happen determine what you do. Don't. Just try it. Go on that mission trip, God will supply what you need. Call that friend. Or start that conversation. Whatever it may be, just conquer it. If you feel like God wants you to do something, do it. I promise you, you won't regret it.
But, you know what you will regret? The chances you didn't take....
Friday, June 26, 2015
The past week
This week has been crazy and reality has been hitting me that I really truly am leaving for this DTS in less than 3 months. Like, seriously. The DTS starts in 87 days, but I will be leaving in 85 days.
I've kinda been a little bit of trainwreck lately. The thought of ME leaving home and leaving everything and everyone I love, just seems so incredibly painful. I've watched other graduates leave home, and now it's my turn.
While a lot of other graduates have a good idea of what they want to do with their life, I am sitting here and thinking, "Well... I wish I knew."
I am the kind of person who likes a solid plan. Well, guess what.... I don't have one for life right now. I think God must be laughing at me half the time because I try to mentally come up with a life plan, but then just give up because I realize at this point, I really don't have any idea.
Whenever I do come up with a plan, it NEVER goes the way I expect it to.
The pastor at my church one morning said, "I like to have all my little ducklings all in a row, organized and tidy... But God usually comes along and let's them swim wherever they want..."
Maybe I'm paraphrasing a bit, but the point is still there. Whenever I think I have my life organized and I have a semi-solid idea of what I want to do, God comes along and changes all of that. Not because he just wants to have a good laugh while I try to control my ducks again, but because he loves me and doesn't want me burdened with something I don't need to be burdened with (i.e. a life plan.)
I have tried really hard to give up trying to control the events of my everyday life, and I'm also trying to just take everything day by day and live in the moment. However, like this week, that is not working. I can't help but think of things and people that I will miss when I leave... I'm just that way.
However, I do know that God wants me to do this. I have talked to a couple of the DTS staff, and the DTS director, and am confident that this is where I am supposed to go. It is. It's going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I know I will be pushed beyond my cozy comfort zone. For those of you who know me, know how difficult that will be for me. I like my comfort zone, and knowing what I CAN do and what I can't. Yet, God keeps calling me beyond that... Usually to things I just don't think I can do. Funny, right?! (Btw- it is only funny AFTER I do it.)
Anyways, that is a little bit of what has been going on this past week. This coming week life is going to get more crazy and beautiful due to the fact that my family is all coming home! All three of my older siblings, their husbands or wives, and their children! So, I'm not sure I will get more of a chance to blog until the end of July... I hope you all enjoy your summer!
I've kinda been a little bit of trainwreck lately. The thought of ME leaving home and leaving everything and everyone I love, just seems so incredibly painful. I've watched other graduates leave home, and now it's my turn.
While a lot of other graduates have a good idea of what they want to do with their life, I am sitting here and thinking, "Well... I wish I knew."
I am the kind of person who likes a solid plan. Well, guess what.... I don't have one for life right now. I think God must be laughing at me half the time because I try to mentally come up with a life plan, but then just give up because I realize at this point, I really don't have any idea.
Whenever I do come up with a plan, it NEVER goes the way I expect it to.
The pastor at my church one morning said, "I like to have all my little ducklings all in a row, organized and tidy... But God usually comes along and let's them swim wherever they want..."
Maybe I'm paraphrasing a bit, but the point is still there. Whenever I think I have my life organized and I have a semi-solid idea of what I want to do, God comes along and changes all of that. Not because he just wants to have a good laugh while I try to control my ducks again, but because he loves me and doesn't want me burdened with something I don't need to be burdened with (i.e. a life plan.)
I have tried really hard to give up trying to control the events of my everyday life, and I'm also trying to just take everything day by day and live in the moment. However, like this week, that is not working. I can't help but think of things and people that I will miss when I leave... I'm just that way.
However, I do know that God wants me to do this. I have talked to a couple of the DTS staff, and the DTS director, and am confident that this is where I am supposed to go. It is. It's going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I know I will be pushed beyond my cozy comfort zone. For those of you who know me, know how difficult that will be for me. I like my comfort zone, and knowing what I CAN do and what I can't. Yet, God keeps calling me beyond that... Usually to things I just don't think I can do. Funny, right?! (Btw- it is only funny AFTER I do it.)
Anyways, that is a little bit of what has been going on this past week. This coming week life is going to get more crazy and beautiful due to the fact that my family is all coming home! All three of my older siblings, their husbands or wives, and their children! So, I'm not sure I will get more of a chance to blog until the end of July... I hope you all enjoy your summer!
Friday, May 22, 2015
Uninspired
Typically, when I sit down to write a blog post, I have a good idea of what it's going to look like. By the time I actually sit down to write it, I have a mental chart in my head of what the title will be, what points will be made, and how to end it....
Not today.
However, I feel pressured to write something, because it has been almost 20 days since my last post. Lately though, I have just felt really uninspired to write anything. I probably have about a dozen blog posts that I haven't posted, because I've only written one to two sentences before giving up.
So, I find myself here. Writing... Or at least trying to write.
This week I have realized how fast time is flying. I used to come up with sarcastic comments in my head when an adult would say, "Aw, you're growing up so fast. Time flies." I hated that. To me, when I was younger, time was far from flying. I mean, seriously.
I'd get board playing with a toy and have to find a new thing to do. Even just picking out the perfect coloring page to color would take forever.... Nap time lasted forever and never seemed to end! I hated it when adults or teens would tell me "You'll be wanting naps when you're older." I mean, seriously..... In my head, no. I was never going to want naps once I was their age. Teens had the best life ever through the eyes of a 7 year old.
Yea, well, I have realized now and can fully agree with things that I was told as a child. For instance, "Time flies." or "You'll be wanting naps when you're older." What I wouldn't give for a good long nap now....
I wanted to grow up so fast and be done with school, but the seemingly endless days of school never seemed to end. I imagined myself as a senior in high school, and somehow.... I had come up with a very distorted vision of what being a teenager was like, as well as what being a senior in high school was like.
Here I am. Finishing my senior year of high school. Although it is far from what I envisioned it would be, and although it is far more complicated than I thought it would be, that's okay. Graduation is a beautiful time. It's a new chapter.
One of my favorite quotes describes high school well.
"It always seems impossible until it is done."
-Nelson Mandela.
Not today.
However, I feel pressured to write something, because it has been almost 20 days since my last post. Lately though, I have just felt really uninspired to write anything. I probably have about a dozen blog posts that I haven't posted, because I've only written one to two sentences before giving up.
So, I find myself here. Writing... Or at least trying to write.
This week I have realized how fast time is flying. I used to come up with sarcastic comments in my head when an adult would say, "Aw, you're growing up so fast. Time flies." I hated that. To me, when I was younger, time was far from flying. I mean, seriously.
I'd get board playing with a toy and have to find a new thing to do. Even just picking out the perfect coloring page to color would take forever.... Nap time lasted forever and never seemed to end! I hated it when adults or teens would tell me "You'll be wanting naps when you're older." I mean, seriously..... In my head, no. I was never going to want naps once I was their age. Teens had the best life ever through the eyes of a 7 year old.
Yea, well, I have realized now and can fully agree with things that I was told as a child. For instance, "Time flies." or "You'll be wanting naps when you're older." What I wouldn't give for a good long nap now....
I wanted to grow up so fast and be done with school, but the seemingly endless days of school never seemed to end. I imagined myself as a senior in high school, and somehow.... I had come up with a very distorted vision of what being a teenager was like, as well as what being a senior in high school was like.
Here I am. Finishing my senior year of high school. Although it is far from what I envisioned it would be, and although it is far more complicated than I thought it would be, that's okay. Graduation is a beautiful time. It's a new chapter.
One of my favorite quotes describes high school well.
"It always seems impossible until it is done."
-Nelson Mandela.
The is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven.
-Ecclesiastes 3:1
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