A lesson at Freedomfest

   Yesterday, I went to an event called Freedomfest with my youth group. There were rides and concerts. Jamie Grace, Citizen Way, and Group 1 Crew were all performing. The rides were free, as well as the concert... Anyways, while I went there to have a good time, I learned a lesson on the way.

   For some reason, I am a sucker for peer pressure (Maybe because I'm a people pleaser.......).
I went last year and swore to myself that I would not go onto the same ride that I was pulled onto last year thanks to my youth pastor. Well, guess what... I got into line to do this crazy ride again.

   It was the kind of ride where if something were to go wrong, things could go bad. I guess every fair ride has that risk, but to me, this one just freaked me out more than anything. It went completely upside about halfway through. That is the part I seriously hate (that, and the agony of waiting for that part to happen...) Prior to taking the last few steps onto the ride, I looked longingly back at the gate. By the time I was seriously wanting off of that ride, I was shut in, buckled down, and there was nothing I could do to get out. This. Was. It. I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do about it now.

   Then it started.

   The adrenaline I began to get was amazing, but I'm not sure it was good. I was so freaked out, started telling my youth pastor that I wanted off (maybe I screamed it...), and then just accepted the fact that I would probably die if this ride malfunctioned. I don't think I ever screamed while I was on the ride, but I know I was asking myself a ton of questions.. Like, "Why am I even doing this?!"or "Can I please get off now?" or... "Is this done yet??!"

   I was so tense. The ride probably only lasted about a minute, but seriously, it was probably the LONGEST minute of my life. As soon as I realized that the ride was slowing down,  I just wanted out. I didn't care that it wasn't completely done, I WANTED OUT. The only thing holding me back from getting out was the safety restraint... As soon as it opened, I was out.

   I stepped out of it, and thought to myself, "Wow. I'm glad that is over." and, "I regret not taking that chance to slip outside the line before the ride."

  About ten minutes later, after my heart stopped racing and I realized I was fine.... a sense of realization hit. I had conquered this  particular fear. I didn't get out of line (Lord knows I wanted to at the time...) and I did it... Yes, by the time I wanted to seriously get off, there was no possibly way I could.... But I had done it.

   When a middle schooler heard me say I had wanted off once I was already on the ride itself, she said, "Well you did it, and it's better than regretting not doing it." Wow. Wise words. What is worse? Regret or Conquer?

    My life theory lately seems to be, if I don't want to do it, don't think I can do it, have a deep irrational fear about doing it, if it is too far outside my cozy little comfort zone.... I should probably do it and more than likely will do it.

   So maybe, I was pushed into doing it. Maybe I thought a million times that I wanted to back out of the line and wimp out. Maybe I was really serious about it too, and maybe by the time I was going to back down, I was already too far in it to quit. But maybe, I enjoyed it. Not because it was fun, but because I realized that I was conquering this. I was conquering this fear, this voice in my head saying, "You can't do it..." That's probably why I did it. I was conquering.

    I realize now (over 12 hours later...) that I would have regretted not doing it. Not doing it would have meant that I would not have conquered that fear. I would have regretted it, and that is even more nerve-wracking than doing it.

   Sometimes life is about pushing when you feel like giving up. It's doing something hard that you know you'll regret later if you don't do it. Then, when it's over it's realizing that you did it! You realize that you conquered it and now you can keep going. Maybe it's not a fair ride... Maybe it's just life. Maybe it's going on a mission trip that you feel you just can't do because of all the unknowns... Maybe it's just calling that one friend to reconcile with them... Or maybe, it's just simply starting a conversation.

   Whatever it might be for you, I just want to encourage you to try it. Don't let your fear of what MIGHT happen determine what you do. Don't. Just try it. Go on that mission trip, God will supply what you need. Call that friend. Or start that conversation. Whatever it may be, just conquer it. If you feel like God wants you to do something, do it. I promise you, you won't regret it.

   But, you know what you will regret? The chances you didn't take....

The past week

   This week has been crazy and reality has been hitting me that I really truly am leaving for this DTS in less than 3 months. Like, seriously. The DTS starts in 87 days, but I will be leaving in 85 days.

   I've kinda been a little bit of trainwreck lately. The thought of ME leaving home and leaving everything and everyone I love, just seems so incredibly painful. I've watched other graduates leave home, and now it's my turn.

   While a lot of other graduates have a good idea of what they want to do with their life, I am sitting here and thinking, "Well... I wish I knew."

   I am the kind of person who likes a solid plan. Well, guess what....  I don't have one for life right now. I think God must be laughing at me half the time because I try to mentally come up with a life plan, but then just give up because I realize at this point, I really don't have any idea.

   Whenever I do come up with a plan, it NEVER goes the way I expect it to.

   The pastor at my church one morning said, "I like to have all my little ducklings all in a row, organized and tidy... But God usually comes along and let's them swim wherever they want..."
Maybe I'm paraphrasing a bit, but the point is still there. Whenever I think I have my life organized and I have a semi-solid idea of what I want to do, God comes along and changes all of that. Not because he just wants to have a good laugh while I try to control my ducks again, but because he loves me and doesn't want me burdened with something I don't need to be burdened with (i.e. a life plan.)

   I have tried really hard to give up trying to control the events of my everyday life, and I'm also trying to just take everything day by day and live in the moment. However, like this week, that is not working. I can't help but think of things and people that I will miss when I leave... I'm just that way.

   However, I do know that God wants me to do this. I have talked to a couple of the DTS staff, and the DTS director, and am confident that this is where I am supposed to go. It is. It's going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I know I will be pushed beyond my cozy comfort zone. For those of you who know me, know how difficult that will be for me. I like my comfort zone, and knowing what I CAN do and what I can't. Yet, God keeps calling me beyond that... Usually to things I just don't think I can do. Funny, right?! (Btw- it is only funny AFTER I do it.)

   Anyways, that is a little bit of what has been going on this past week. This coming week life is going to get more crazy and beautiful due to the fact that my family is all coming home! All three of my older siblings, their husbands or wives, and their children! So, I'm not sure I will get more of a chance to blog until the end of July... I hope you all enjoy your summer!